Monday, December 31, 2012

2013... Goals

  • Get References 
  • Retake Psych GRE
  • Apply for Grad School
  • Maybe find intersnhip in counseling
  • Try to reach shoulder length at the sides/ chin-neck length in the front/ between shoulder blades on the back by April/May-ish
  • Work on curl definition
  • Get more creative with hair styles
  • most definitely FIND A NEW JOB
  • if not, then find an overnight 
  • get myself together
  • rid myself of old feelings or talk to him for closure
ASOM Designs
  • Should be up and ready to deliver by June/July

Sunday, December 30, 2012

Poem: it Lights the dark

the secrets hide in daytime
the night knows all
in the absence of the light
its sees, feels, and hears everything
it knows so much
while we understand so little
contemplating everything in existence
it knows the aches of all the suffering
the pain of the frustrations
the secrets hide in daytime
behind hollow eyes and fake smiles
shallow hearts and vapid minds
the secrets hide in daytime

Virgo Sign of Falling/Being in Love

Virgo: You Daydream - You begin thinking about the future with this person. Your imagination creates vivid scenarios of romantic getaways, cozy chats, exciting adventures, and feel-good moments. 
(via Tumblr)

very true for me!

Gavin DeGraw A Change is Gonna Come

So I have a Gavin Degraw stationon pandora.. his voice serenades me every day and i love it. but the first time i heard this song my heart skipped a beat and i fell in love with his voice all over again. he had me with "i dont wanna be" the theme song to one tree hill but i was sold with this rendition. every time this comes on its a moment of silence for me and my radio tun up!

Saturday, December 29, 2012

With time...

how do you go about ridding yourself of your feelings for someone?

i mean, when he told me he didnt feel the same i was like, yea ok thats fine. because i already knew that he didnt feel the same. i was just confused by his actions and some of the things he said. i let myself read more into it, gave it deeper meaning than he meant to.

i know that mistakes happen, but giving your heart or at least trying to give your heart to someone is never a mistake. you just had enough bravery and courage to give them power to hurt you even though you wished that they never did.

no one really knows the 'power' love holds.. we know it makes us do crazy things, say stuff we dont mean, make a blind to things we dont wish to see... but a love on equal grounds, a love that stands test after test, a love that is open.. can be so beautiful, powerful, and mesmerizing... but nowadays no one is willing to work for that kind of love anymore.

i am willing to try as long as i am given the chance... but right now i jsut want to start fresh. i want to ease out of this heartache, i want to purge my thoughts of him, i want to do a lot of things but it wouldnt do me any good. for it was times with him that i realized a lot of things that i want but never knew i did, a lot of things that i will do for the one i love, and also a lot of things being embraced by someone else.

so with time, all good things will come...
i guess

Side Note

i relize i do a lot of writing not just in one place, but a notepad, my phone, online, scraps of paper... its inconsistent and all over the place... just like my thoughts.

i am never stuck on something for too long or in the same place for so long either. its hard to keep track of evverything and keep it in one place, let alone keep it in order. and even then i dont date my thoughts. i dont know why, but the dates never seemed as important as my feelings.

i just know that there was a period in my mind, a period in my heart where i felt a certain way and those emotions consumed me, they moved me in ways that overwhelmed my being, in ways that i could only understand by putting it on paper.

it seemed so much better when those words were formed in ink. so much more concrete and resolute in its firmness. but it made everything so real. i captured it in the raw, in the height of everything that i felt, and it felt good. no matter the direction of the emotion, it always good to just get it out in some way.

ive been trying not to let things get bottled up as they do but old habits die hard.

Something bout my Hair Journey

With all the work ive been putting into my hair lately and all the research and  blog following ive been doing... ive realized how little effort i put into at the beginning of my journey. Sure i took care of it but did i really givr it the full attention it deserved.

Going natural when i did, was like the start of this whole natural movement or as i like to call it a 'black hair revolution' and it was a bit harder cause everything was still somewhat new. Now we have stores with shelves stocked full of these natural and so called 'organic' products. And more naturals coming out of the wood works...

Hell i've had friends watching me througout my whole journey and now they are embarking on their own but with the help of blogs and some advice from me. Im glad to share what ive learned... and thats pretty much that no ones hair is the same, it grows differently, curls differently, takes to products differently... you just need the time and patience to care for it.

Looking back from the first products i used to use to know... a lot a has changed. Im more conscious of ingredients,  i dont buy oil mixtures anymore i buy separately and make my own, i dont just use shea butter/whipped shea butter alone anymore, i finger detangle, i wash in sections, i pre-poo, i dont keep to schedule but do treatments & trims when its needed.

So pretty much a lot has changed in two years

Friday, December 28, 2012

Naughty Naughty...

Gotta say those random staircases that no one uses or the fire exit that no one knows about does come in pretty handy.. and when i first learned about them, oh yeah i put them to good use!

So it all started the spring semester when i started i went from 1 - 7 partners and i gues i was coming in to my own sexual freedom after dealing with the same person on and off for those three years. I wish he wasn't my first but i was comfortable with him and it just felt like the right time to do it...

If you havent noticed im not talking with him anymore... i saw just how much i was missing out when i was with him. but like i said i stayed out of comfort. i really should've known better..

but yeah, im fine with my sexuality, i embrace it, i flirt, i tease, i just dont voice what i want.. and what i want is a pounding that will leave me sore for days, hair pulling, neck biting, a few scratches here and there and most definitely some spanking....

I want someone who who knows my spots and exploits them, someone who leaves me breathless and gives me kisses that make me forget everything...

i got a little of everything from different people but not everything in one person..
I want someone to give me kisses that leave me shaking like O, someone thick like Mar (wink wink); long like Bra, someone who knows my spots like Jos, someone who'll go down and be rough on me like Just...

Ive been a good girl lately, only pleasuring myself as i see fit...

But yeah, Justin did me good today... And its been over 6 months since i had someone do me like that.. (nov. J doesnt count.. story for another time)

Thursday, December 27, 2012

Dear Future Lover...

Gotta Luv Them Days!

.. when you wake up feeling good. like all the weight you been carrying around for days just seems lighter or you can finally see the brighter side of things, like everything will be alright.

... when you wake up feeling refreshed, like you caught the best nights sleep ever even though you went to sleep at your normal late hours or just went to sleep early cause all those late nights finally caught up to you.

...when you wake up singing a tune that you haven't heard in awhile and you iPod seems to pick up on your good mood and just plays good songs straight through your morning travels and and you don't even have to skip over anything.

... when you wake up to a random good morning text, that just makes you smile. they even wish you to have a good day, and that just makes you smile brighter.

... seriously gotta luv them days when you wake up with a skip in your step and a lightness on your chest, a tune on your lips, and a shine on your aura.

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Poem: Familial Dispute

So i was mad about the gift (a little) more so on my mothers comment:

I want to shout out in anger
Scream obscenties
and tell truths
about myself
about you
I want to vent my frustrations
I need to speak out vexations
I have to let it out
before it consumes me
before you think its okay
to let me feel
unsure of myself
tormented by your opinion
flustered by your attutidue
its not okay for me to be this way
its not okay for me to feel this hate
and dislike
for family
the words spewing out of your mouth
are tasteless
and leave no room to remedy
its effects on my being
I am hurt
I am sad
I perplexed iwth my emotions
Feel free to let up on your opinions
Or continue to bash my being
in jest

ah my mother, didnt like the fact that i didnt like how she joked in calling me an 'alcoholic' well tuff! not everything is rainbows and butterflies

the Unsent Emails..

So one day me and the guy im trying to get over had this conversation on what im looking for in a guy, you know relationship type qualities. I had started off saying some shit but couldnt word it properly so he said to email it to him. I said fine.So i wrote it but never sent it and its sitting with four other emails that i wanted to send to him. It would've been 5 but i got caught up in writing it and hit send instead of save like i always do.

Unfortunately that was the email of me confessing my feelings for him in all its condensed straight forward glory. even used the 'L" word.... yea he didnt/doesnt feel the same, hence the whole me getting over him bit..

But yea these are the emails:

(1) Ideal Person
so I was just going back over what we talked about concerning the ideal person or "soulmate", its not that I have someone set in mind but its someone that I wouldnt mind having that possibility with in the future should we ever get that far. but you know theres always room for change in feelings, kind of in uncharted waters with the whole idea. in terms of characteristics, like I told you its someone who I can be myself around, i'm changing the whole laughing bit to someone who I can have fun with, somebody who I can joke around with but still have our serious moments. I cant deal with high maintenance needy people who cant think or do for themselves, you gotta be able to stand on your feet and use your head but not be afraid to talk or ask for help when its needed. I like someone who's comfortable with himself, knows what hes aiming for in life or at least has something of a goal set in mind. I think that pretty much cuts it for now, being a good listener, trustworthy, reliable and respectful of personal space and silence is also a good thing.

(2) VDay
so go with all this vday hype i'm gonna give you another small confession about my feelings towards you - the main reason why I keep coming back. its not because of all the physical stuff or the intensity that I find with no one else but you, but really the comfort that I get while being in your arms, which led to a whole bunch of "firsts" with you:
you're the first guy I initiated a kiss with, the first guy whose house I slept over, the first guy I slow danced with (if you remember that), the one and so far only guy that I would get out of bed for at 2 in the morning, the only one I would walk up & down guy r brewer (in heels) for at 430 in the morning lol, the only guy who I blatantly told "i like you" from the get go.
and as of late you are the only guy who, after getting past all my insecurities and internal musings of my own feelings, I was able to stare back into his eyes without minding the feeling of being extremely exposed at you seeing everything I was trying to hide. so if you were wondering about it now you know the beginnings of it...
so I hope you enjoyed this and let out that big sappy "aww" and yes ill accept being called soft for this :p

(3) Sweet Things You Do
here I am laying in bed thinking about you and the random sweet things that you say or do to me like when you asked me "can I keep you?" I melted a little inside, did you know that it is my favorite movie line of all time? it was from the casper movie with christina ricci and it was so sweet with them dancing in the air and him whispering it to her in her ear. and when you said it to me unknowing of that fact, I was just extremely happy. and when you made the remark about you being happy about the way I turned out after my past "relationships" or that no one else sees that soft side of me like when we cuddle, little things like that make smile when im with you. its little things like that make me want to stay with you and want to spread sweet, soft, slow kisses all over you.

(4) Whats Behind the Kiss
one time you asked me what do I see when I kiss you and I told you that I see a full moon, stars, and a bunch of trees. and you thought I was making it up but I wasn't. my safe place, my place of peace, my getaway, my escape from it all is envisioning myself lying in a field in middle of a park/forest under a night sky filled with stars and a full moon. so me kissing you just reminded of all that and aside from the intense pleasure there is the feeling of being safe with you.

Monday, December 24, 2012

my brothers gift..

a fucking flask...

Jokes for days...

but its a fucking flask...

Let me tell you why, its a bitter love/hate thing. it was a little over 2 years ago for a friends 21st bday party ( a few days before my own) that i got drunk, blacked out on my mothers couch, and some point threw up on it and her rug.

Ok, that was then and i really dont have a taste for liquor anymore but i still drink socially (meaning not all that often cause i dont have much of a social life) and this woman will not let that one night go..

Every time, she's around me and we're drinking. its always "this girl is an alcoholic" or if we're with my aunts and my aunt is making us drinks she'll be like "watch her" and i cant stand that shit.

 its pisses me off and i cant even enjoy drinking anymore because of her.

So i had one drunken.. so fucking what.
I got over it and its about time she fucking did.

So with that being said you know what she said when my brother brought out the flask and you know with them repeating it, its kind of hard to appreciate the creativity and thoughtfulness of the gift when it represents everything that both irritates and annoys me.

yesterdays eventfulness...

Went to Church with the bestie.. not overly religious and its like a miracle to get me into the place on my own. I just dont fell it necessary to have to leave the comfort of my bed to get dressed to sit and be bored for two hours listening to someone else's view on scripture...

Honestly, thats what school is for only there is less yelling

But yesterday i was brought to tears when they asked us to pray for ourselves. And they did this after we had a conversation with God. to praise Him. i dont know what it was but i think it had to do with me always watching out for everyone and ignoring my problems, that to take those few minutes to focus on me and my wants and needs was a bit much for me.

And i cried... not like full blown tears and dry heaving with boogers down my nose.. i held that shit in. but really i just wanted to breakdown right then and there. I guess i'm so oblivious to my own self that i never really considered what i actually wanted.

i didn't pray for financial success, i din't pray for anything materialistic, i pray for guidance, i prayed for Him to guide me on the right path, i prayed for whatever trials He's set forth to make me a better person, i prayed for Him to heal my heart, I prayed for Him to help me in doing what he believes is best for me, i prayed for His strength to help me in dealing with all that he has set forth for me...

I prayed and I cried... cause i never really thing about myself that way

Saturday, December 22, 2012

end of the year blues

i dont know what itvis but im not really feeling things this holiday season, its been thatvway for like a year or two now. im just not in the spirit.


i dont know if its the idea that im entering the new alone again, or not having anyone to celebrate with, or if its just the sameness that gets to me...

i just know that im not happy hell when they put up xecorations in the office i get down right pissed of with all things xmas... new years is welcomed  with me in bed watching the ball drop or just locked in my room with depressing thoughts...


the outward appearance does not match the inner turmoil... i look like i dont carebut really i do


Thursday, December 20, 2012

Why Tho?...

I miss him something fierce lately and its not healthy in the least bit!

At least not in my book. We don't talk, text, or write... so why? Why can't i get him out of my head? why does his face repeatedly cross my mind? why does his name make hard attempts at escaping my closed lips? why wont my heart just let him go?

I know its not good. this... obsession... that i have. the fact that i am calling it an obsession out loud is more than enough for me to know that its not right in the least bit. I feel like an up and coming stalker but i am making no moves past checking his fb (to look at his face to appease my emptiness).

again, so not healthy!



i feel so pathetic, its not even funny. i get stuck feeling these great feelings and no one is there to reciprocate it. no one wants me back



i can say that one day it will get returned, i can say that all this waiting will be for something... but im starting to believe it less and less lately


Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Poem: Sometimes I cry

They fall silently
tracing paths along my face
They feel hot
and grow cold
As most feelings do
They drip down
as they fall
that first tear
When did it fall
When did it become so much to bear
So much to hide
That the only way to show it
To show the pain
The unbearable ache within my chest
Was through these salty tears
Is it impossible to live forever
In those minute moments of happiness
Why must the reality of the everyday make itself know
Make my loneliness
Make my missing you
A beacon in the haze of my 'existing'
its overwhelming to know
that i am only going through the motions
Monotonous and tired in its sameness
I am tired
and scared
and alone
I am vulnerable
and desperate
tormented and unsure
In those moments
....I cry


Its nothing new, I've been feeling like this for a while. i dont know  which direction im heading in on the road im taking i just know what i want my destination to be.

However, its taking me a while to find my resolve and plan the steps for it. I know what i want to do and how i should do it but my drive to get things started is gone.

Its like i need to find myself all over again.

And i dont want to take that route... i changed my hair, my attitude, my perspective.. and im comfortable in my skin, but what am i changing now?

My heart is just not into anything anymore.. and try as i might to ignore and deny its still stuck on one person.

I guess bffle was right when she said i needed to get him out of my system. And as much as i say i am over him, i guess its still not completely true in its entirety. What i feel (how i wish i could say felt right now) for im is nothing compared to what i felt for my first love.

its so much more.

I have days when i can go without thinking about him, moments where i forget my feelings, but times like this.. holiday seasons, nights alone, and i just wish i could go back to those couple hours spent in his bed, wrapped in his arms, with his lips on mine...

Wishful thinking gets me nowhere...

Its like im torturing myself over and over again knowing that we cant get back to that no matter how much i wish we could, but i need this time alone to figure myself out, maybe more time out of school maybe just time needed away from here... from all that reminds me of him.

Friday, December 14, 2012

Hair Challenges!

So i joined a hair challenge for and KinkyCurlyCoilyMe... The first being a 1in3 challenge, grow hair 1 inch in 3 months and the second being a three month castor oil challenge. Now with protective styles and such and not doing any high manipulation styles, i've noticed how much my hair has been growing lately.

I didn't measure my hair for the 1in3 challenge but the KCCMcastoroil challenge i did. and so far i've grown a half inch to an inch all around my head. to say i'm happy and excited is an understatement.

Virgo Quote

::Yea that's prettty much my approach before i even admit it to myself let alone the other person. But even then i'm deep in the waters alone and stay that way cause i realize that i'm the only one feeling that way unfortunately.... until i'm able to swim back towards the shore... sitting on the dock keeping my feet wet until next time::

Yea.. No

So, theres a guy i've been chatting it up with for the past two weeks or so. known him since 7th grade (yea another person from way back when) and converations were ok. he brought up a double date for his roommate to get out and meet people and i said sure why not i would just bring my bffle kizzy along and that would be that.

That  was until i met up with him yesterday...

See, i'm not a shallow or vain person, looks don't get me, i'm not into superficial personalities, im not high maintenance, myself so i don't expect it in others.. but Kyle was a complete no after he open his mouth!

Honestly his whole appearance and voice did not match. It looked like he didn't change much from JHS except he was a little thicker but his voice sounded like that of a kid who didn't finish going through puberty and reminded me of david (aka Gay-vid) from HS.

Harsh but the truth.

We were talking and all i could do was try not to laugh at how he sounded but with Kizz and Cordero around, i couldn't help it. Eben they said he sounded like a pubescent gay kid. or some kid who got kicked in the balls but the pain never left his voice.


The one thing that blew the whole deal off for me was the fact that he couldn't hold the dominoes properly... once i saw that i was done.

Honestly, we cant be friends!


And i couldn't help comparing him to Josue...
All i thought was Kyle was a complete downgrade... like super ultimate type downgrade

so... back to the drawing board on both accounts =/

Monday, December 10, 2012


So i graduated in May and I decided to take a year off of school because really, i've been going straight since Kindergarten and i needed a highly overdue break from the educational system

dont worry i plan to go back. i want my masters or doctorate in counseling.
I have my primary schools that i want to attend (queens - masters, or hofstra - PsyD) and i have my backup (brooklyn - masters, cuny grad - PhD)

and then theres my random ass backup for when all else fails.... Massage Therapy
Yea, random i know but hey go with what you're good at. And I'm awesome at massages. lol

But its just lately i've been feeling stuck and lost and i just dont know what to do with myself. I have my mind set on grad school but im not making any moves other than the GRE to get in. I scheduled apppointments to open houses and grad fairs but i didnt go. I spoke with my old prof/advisor about internships... still have yet to email the lady she told me about. I dont even have references other than her and my supervisors.

Im just not into it.

Hell im stuck in a job ive been trying to get out of for a while now.

I need a change and its been a long time coming.

The Date..

Yea i said it. i had first date finally!
(whoo hooo!)

It was good too. We got drinks (sangria! my fave) shared dessert (brownie sundae), talked laughed and watched a good movie (red dawn).

And I was completely comfortable with him. I didn't have to hide behind a mask, I could be myself.

It was great.

But i didn't feel anything for him.

Let me explain who he is. He is a guy that i went to elementary school with and surprisingly we have the same intials, first middle and last lol. We get along great and yea i did have a crush on him back then and he admitted to having on one me also a few years ago. Lately we've been texting back and forth for the past couple of weeks and its cool. i get my morning texts from him and its always something different but pretty much meaning the same thing "good morning beautiful" or john lennons "good morning starshine"

i like sweet things like that. he'll text me throughout the day, asking how its going, listening to me vent my frustrations about work and home, asking me about my writing and my small business that i want to set up. Its nice that i have someone so interested in me for a change.

But i dont feel the same way

Maybe I'm still hung up on Josue, maybe not.
Maybe I've just outgrown the crush i had on him so long ago

Still, i don't feel anything romantic for him..
maybe he could be a new lollipop as my girl Thania calls them.

I dont know.
he's just not the one i want right now
but then again im not even sure what i want anymore

Super Cleansing Shampoo

Black Soap is good for dry, itchy scalp as well as Aloe Vera Gel and Apple Cider Vinegar. This isn't my first time using this mixture, actually its my third. And my scalp really appreciates its after my 2- or 3-week twist sessions. 

In an applicator bottle, mix
  • 1 ounce Aloe Vera Gel
  • 1 ounce African Black Soap (I used Shea Moisture)
  • 2 capfulls Apple Cider Vinegar
  • You can add oils if you like, but i didn't this time cause of the hot oil treatment i did before shampooing.
while hair is in sections, wet hair first, then apply the mixture directly onto scalp. Rub it using your fingertips giving yourself a good head message! (pause), don't want to irritate your scalp too much with your nails. 

This mixture is enough to shampoo your hair twice. The first time around i just focused on getting my scalp clean, not paying to much to my edges. The second time around i paid more attention to the edges than anything else. 

Because of the dark color of the black soap you'll know once you've rinsed it all out. The water will stop being brown, lol.

Condition/Deep Condition afterwards then style as usual.

Sunday, December 9, 2012

Friday, December 7, 2012

Time to Go!

Yep, like i said in my previous post.. it really is time to move out!

Especially after today with my mom... we really can't co-habitate anymore!

I need my own space now. I dont need someone breathing down my neck for shit that im not even there for or crap that they can learn to do for themselves.

My mother calls me mean, selfish, and many other things and really i could do without all the hostility at the house.

Its not even a home to me.

I just cant anymore. I just want to be on my own.

If my mother were to ask me if i wwanted to me out today.. i would say YES!
Wholeheartedly and undoubtedly YES.

I've outgrown living with my mother... its time for me to be on my own.
Let me worry about my own rent. Let me worry about my own utilities. Let me worry about just being me!


So frustrated.

Monday, December 3, 2012

Poem: Love the Life you Live

Can you look back from this point in time,
And admit that you regret nothing?
I can…
I am proud of the fact that I had my heart broken,
Because it means that I was not afraid to love
Because it means that I’ve experienced sharing my heart with someone
I am proud of the fact that I was cheated on,
Because I no longer have that weak-willed person by my side
I am proud of the fact that I was lied to,
Because I was shown compassion, remorse, and guilt
Because I was shown your true character
Because I had a chance to learn and grow out of my naiveté
I was proud to be single
Because that means that I was able to focus on me
Because that means I was able to make myself better for the future
Because that means that I built myself up for the one that truly matters
I am proud for all my hardships
Because that means that I know how to make do with little means
Because that means I can survive under pressure
Because that means I’ve learned to be happy and appreciate all that I’ve got
I am proud of my pain and tears and minute sources of happiness
Because that means that I’ve been living
Because that means I’m facing everyday…
I look back and regret nothing!

Its about that time...

Yup, its almost time to move out like,

  • me n my mother, 
  • me coming home when i want, 
  • me lazing about doing nothing, 
  • me not having to worry about someones constant nagging about me lazing about doing nothing, 
  • me having to clean up other peoples mess, 
  • me having my own personal space...

yep its about that time to leave the nest...but not just yet.... no-ho-hooooo
we need money for that!
and the time to look for an affordable spot.

do i want a 1 bedroom apt? do i want roommates? do i wanna just rent a room?
i need to think this through...

i give myself 1 more year, maybe 2 before i get completely fed up and say fuck it, im out!
my tax return money is going towards this move and my mother needs to clear up these bills she has in my name!

yup im not moving out before she does that!

One day...

Someone will write something like this about me...

(from leaveyouapen)

Saturday, December 1, 2012

the "m" word

a few times my firends have asked me do i ever see myself getting married. and i would always say there has to be someone involvedfor me to even think about it.

but in truth, yes i ahve thought about it, yes i have the color scheme picked out, yes i have where i want it in my head, yes i have my bridal party picked out, yes i know who my maids of honor are... but who the groom is is a mystery to me...

have i seen myself married to a specific someone,,?....yes
have i thought about having kids with said specific someone?... yes, i even have the names picked out

but am i with that specific someone.... no, things didnt work out and im ok with it now. people grow apart and change its the way of life.

but the notion or idea of being married is forever stuck with me and after that whole palm reader claiming that i will get married in 2 years, i have to wonder who will win me over in such a short amount of time and if he'll be worth all the heartache ive been through in the end...

long term flings vs longest relationship

so i was out with my best friends last week and we got into a conversation of our longest flings/boyfriends that lasted more than a month since jhs/hs....

out of the three of us we all had at least five people. including at least one boyfriend. i realized that i had more long term flings thananything else and after that it was all just long term sex friends. (or lollipops as my girl thania calls them)

and it jsut makes me feel like i am not good enough to be in a long term relationship with. sure i didnt mind the flings, sure i thought of them as monagamous, sure i envisioned us as being somethinf more but it never worked out.

again with the feelings of inadequacy...

i didnt mind the flings but im at that point where i want something more in my life, i want the stability of that one person to talk to , to kis, to make love to, to love and be loved back....

and right now no one is up for the position

Still waiting for that first date...

Yea i said it I am 23 years old and i have yet to have someone ask me on a date. yea i have gone out with a guy one on one but still inno way shape or form have either one of us called the outtings a date...

Sad isnt it?...

I want this month to have at least three dates. i want to enter 2013 from being dateless to having the experience of it. i dont care if it was good or bad, if the food sucked, if the wiaters were terrible , if the entertainement was dull, or the place had no ambiance.

i want to have that first date.

relationship crap can come at another time. that in itself is a whole nother story....

Monday, November 26, 2012

Product Review: As i Am Smoothing Gel

Again, from this months CurlKit!
I figured since i was already using something new for my hair from the CurlKit might as well go all the way! lol. Anyway i have a problem with frizz on my twists (not that i really mind it) buuuuut i like my twists looking messy but neat like more into the week than a day or two after i did it if you know what i mean. 

Yea i'm not gonna catch all the hair and some extra strands will escape me (somehow they always do.. 0_O) But with the smoothing gel i thought that it would help with the frizz, get them to lay down down instead of play around! And it did. 

When i finished my mini-twist i just grabbed some of this on my fingers and rubbed it over them and finished it off with my winter spritz before doing a few large twists and tying with my satin scarf.

From the website:

  • Provides a secure hold
  • Moisturizes
  • Adds shine
  • Rinses easily from the hair when it's time to cleanse
  • Won't dry out, harden or roughen hair

Key Ingredients: Aloe Vera Gel, Sugar Beet Root, Vegetable Glycerin and Wheat Protein

Aqueous (Water, Aqua Purificada, Purified) Extracts: Beta Vulgaris (Beet) Root¹, Aloe Barbadensis Leaf Juice ¹, Glycerin¹, Triethanolamine, Carbomer, Hydrolyzed Wheat Protein², Laureth-23, Potassium Sorbate, Diazolidinyl Urea, Iodopropynyl Butylcarbamate, Fragrance/Parfum, Limonene.
Source: 1-Natural; 2-Wheat Derived

Best if applied to clean, damp hair. Use a spray bottle to dampen hair if necessary.
  • Apply gel and smooth down, using your fingers or a soft natural bristle brush. 
  • Allow hair to dry completely before touching it again.
  • For next-day refreshing, dampen the area where the gel was applied, and smooth.

Non greasy, very lightweight, non flaky when drying, doesn't leave any white residue, and smells heavenly (very light sweet scent). As it says helps in smoothing the hair down. 

Would I recommend.... YES
Would I buy it myself.... YES

Product Review: Amazing Botanicals Pumpkin Pomade

So over the weekend I finally used the deep conditioning mask that i bought from Botanical Spirits at this years Circle of Sisters. It left my hair almost straight, like my curl pattern was really elongated. When I twisted my hair this time there was no curling up at the end and little to no shrinkage!


So this time instead of using Cantu leave in conditioner, I went with the Pumpkin Pomade that i got in this months CurlKit. 

From the website it says that it is:

Made with rich Babassu and Pumpkin Seed butter. Rich in vitamin A, C, E, and Omega fatty acids, this is "The Royal Treatment" your crown deserves! Our pomade locks in moisture without leaving a greasy feel. 

Use to palm roll, roller set, braid, twist outs, blow outs and styling hair.
Ingredients: Babassu oil, Pumpkin Seed Butter, Uccuba Butter, JBCO, Candelilla Wax, Saw Palmetto, Bergamont, Rosemary, and botanical blend

I used it for semi-dry mini-twists. I used my winter spritz in my hair first cause combing without it is a bitch!. On the body of my hair i used the pomade then on my ends my whipped shea butter on my ends. Lately that has been the method of choice. I didn't use EcoStyler gel cause i didn't like how it felt on my hair. It left my hair feeling greasy and i want to give it away. (any takers?)

But anyway it left my hair feeling super soft, which i love! And it has a light scent which i don't mindat all. It didn't leave my hair greasy feeling or anything. i didn't have to use a lot just scraped my nail along the side and rub it in my hair. Normally i would try to stay away from anything with wax or petrolatum in it but this worked out just fine!

All in all I will most certainly recommend it to others and for myself to buy a bigger tin!


I am a lover without a lover. 
I am lovely and lonely and 
I belong deeply to myself.

Warsan Shire

Sunday, November 25, 2012

Penis Pics?.... Really?

Dudes are a trip, I've known this guy since junior high school and have never been romantically interested in him and yet here he is sending me penis pics and talking bout multiple orgasms... o_0

I won't lie and say i wasn't interested but come on tho...

why send me a pic of your penis, I haven't even promised anything yet, so his thirst right now... OOOOH BOY!


What happened to the original pursual of a female, like the whole wine and dine aspect, the dating, the sweet talking... NOT SENDING PICS OF BODY PARTS!

Honestly, (not that im complaining bout his size or width or anything)

But i haven't even agreed to seeing him outside of work yet, letting alone us being in the position to even consider having sex at the moment

Again, sigh...

What is wrong with men today?

Thursday, November 22, 2012

Product Review: Botanical Spirits HerbExture Hair Softening & Strengthening Mask

at Circle of Sister's this year, I along with my friend Krystal (MochaNapps) stopped by the Botanical Spirits booth and we both purchased conditioners. I went with a deep conditioner, cause i was looking for a new one to try and she bought the Shea Soft Styling Creme (her review for the product alone was not a good one but she made it work for her!)

The deep conditioner i bout was the HerbExture Hair Softening & Strengthening Mask (formerly known as the peppermint mud mask)
What is it?An herbal base deep conditioner to soften, increase hair growth & manageability
  • Formulated with herbal conditioning extracts & oils with  apple cider vinegar that will
  • Moisturize, soften and stimulate hair growth
  • Increase hair’s manageability and hydration.
  • Condition & cleanse hair.
  • Good for all hair types especially coarse hair (straight, wavy, curly)
  • Decrease curly hair shrinkage factor
Ingredients: Deionized Water, HerbExture™ Proprietary Herbal Complex Extract, Malus Communis Acetic Acid (Apple Cider Vinegar), Laminariales (Kelp) Extract, Rhassoul Clay, Olea Europeus (Olive) Oil, Ricinis Communis (Castor Beans) Oil, Cocos Nucifera (Coconut) Milk, Milk Acid, Glycerol Stearate, Cetearyl Strearate, Calcium Streayl Lactylate, Cetearyl Alcohol, PEG-40 Castor Oil, Stearalkonium Chloride, Glycerol Stearate, PEG-100, Rosa Damascena (Rose) Petals Hydrosol, Caramel, Mentha Piperita (Peppermint) Essential oil, Rosa Damascena (Rose) Geranium Essnetial Oil, Rosmarinum Officinalis (Rosemary)Leaf Extract, Sodium Hydroxymethyl Glycinate, Potassium Sorbate, Menthol.

So for once i didn't add anything to my deep conditioner. No oils or nothing. I used the conditioner as is. It looked like mud, smelled like mud and was gritty to the feel. The smell wasn't all that exciting and kind of had a herbal/minty undertone. It wasn't a heavy scent but it wasn't light either. The mixture wasn't very thick either mostly watery consistency.

I sectioned my hair in 7 big sections, and just grabbed what i could of the mixture onto my fingers (should've used a perm brush) and combed it through after i had washed my hair with black soap and aloe vera gel (will do a review on that later). I used like a third of the 8oz container. I left it in for a good couple of hours, kept myself busy with preparing food, cooking and eating it. And of course taking a good 2-3 hour nap afterwards. So my hair was deeply deep conditioned. lol!

Washing it out was a trip! like i knew that it was gonna come out gross, but seriously the water was brown! At least it was easy to tell when i got all the conditioner out! But my hair came out soft  and manageable just like it promised!

So i watched other reviews (LolaKinkz & GrowBlackHairNET) on it and it turns out after 3-4 uses it helps minimize shrinkage and elongates curls. So hopefully thats the case this time. will let you know soon!

Would I recommend to others?...........YES!

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Poem: Whirlwind

The tumultuous force of my emotions
circle me
enclosing me int their tight grip
i am squeezed in the center
my heart clenching in my chest
standing still
as they lash out at me
in pent up frustration
colliding with my true feelings
and the forces external

i am scarred
i am bruised
i am hollow and fake

i bite my tongue
forcing the words down my throat
in their grittiness
forcing the pain away
taking a backseat in my mind
Impassive, stony, gaunt, and blank
I remain
Bursting from within
I cry out
In silence
and die slowly
moving away
in anger


If there's one thing i learned throughout my 23 years of existence is that people are stupid and they do the most randomest shit to piss you the fuck off!

Also there is nothing you can do to change their stupidity other than feed into it or blatantly ignore them.

I choose the latter.....

Right now, once again, i am highly annoyed and frustrated and the serenity prayer is helping me cool down along with a dose of three days grace and breaking benjamin...

Honestly i can't wait til i find a new job doing something i absolutely enjoy!


i hate this place...
i hate her....
i hate this work.....

(fuck my work life!)

Monday, November 12, 2012

Three Days Grace - Riot

another one of my P.O. songs i listen to

Breaking Benjamin - I Will Not Bow

yea its that kind of day

Decline of the Good Mood

Despite my surprising tiredness this morning, i text my friend back in a surprisingly good mood and was all chipper like and right now i'm pissed the fuck off trying not to curse out my coworker or anyone that comes here in blatant ignorance of filling out forms or check questions. 

Honestly, i don't know how this day turned so wrong... maybe i'm fuckstrated maybe i just need alcohol, all i know is i'm annoyed as hell that it shows on my face.

Even my friend here in the office was like whats wrong... it started off with this lady not even paying attention to this form she was filling out to this lady i'm working with (always cussing or mumbling under her breath about something) saying how i left work for someone ELSE to do and not do anything about it


Any who its getting further into distribution day and we're setting up and me being me i check off what i have and leave everything on their spots for me to put away later. Normally when i'm done checking everything, i put everything away that one time so i don't have to walk back and forth. 

And you-know-who just had to open her mouth and say something. I'm already trying to hold it in from earlier and now she's seriously pissing me off. I really just need to curse her out one time and be done with it cause this woman and these stupid ass people are gonna send me to an early grave with all the stress they piling on me.


Gin Wigmore - Black Sheep

A new favorite i peeped on Revenge last night during their little Count of Monte Cristo skit

also, she got it right.....
"once you go black you never go back!"

For Everyone You Meet

No matter the circumstances of how you met, or how things ended up....

In the end you decide!

Saturday, November 10, 2012


So this morning I was scheduled to take the GRE or Graduate Recognition Exam, that test you take for grad school. Not mandatory in most cases but if you're like me and dont have a strong GPA or just want to show your competency in you field then the GRE is for you.

Naturally theres the general exam, which is pretty much the harder version of the SAT and then theres the subject test. i completely lucked out in finding that they had a Psych GRE! =) cause lord nows me having to write essays and start going over math again was just a big NO!

Anyway the exam lasted for 2 hrs 50 min, a total of 205 multiple choice questions based on Cognition, research Methods, Intro to Psych, Human Development, Personality, Sensation, and Physiology.... pretty much all psych has to offer. For me that was going over 3 1/2 years of psych or 7 semesters in a span of a few months.

Did i take those few months to study?

I spent summer pretty much lazing about and gave myself a month and half to buckle down and cram. NO BUENO! I suggest you never do it to yourselvves, EVER!

Stupid freaking test, they made us get there for 830am on a SATURDAY! i dont like to leave my bed before 10 on the weekends and i was up at 5. but my ass got there for 730 and the jerks started the exam at 921!


All in all i think i did ok today. but if anything, I'll take it again in April. it just pains to me to dish out $150 for the exam tho... sigh. If only my poor GPA looked decent!

Natural Hair Journey...

So four days ago, was my NappyVersay! I have been natural for 2 years now and I don't regret it one bit!

So yes i did my big chop, had the boy look going, but it grew out, i rocked out with my fro out, when cool cat with my fro hawk and twist outs, and always looking snazzy in my mini twists!

would i ever go back to the crack?....................................NEVER!!!!!

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

I Realized I'm over Him...

That in itself is so flippin awesome. And it took shorter than i thought it would. Getting over my first love was like...
And i was just so negative about it....

I thought that i was completely over the whole love thing for a while....
And then i experienced what real 'love' was like even tho it wasn't reciprocated but then shit had to go sideways and get complicated and then it was like....

Being rejected by both guys made me doubt myself  for a while hence...
And once again i was back here....
I don't do depressing situations well so ... 
And now this morning i felt great so...

Monday, November 5, 2012

Sunday, November 4, 2012

Hurricane Sandy

So we've survived it down here in Queens: power outages, few casualties, lost homes, lost days off work and school... but we've survived it.

Luckily on my end the only thing I had to worry about was boredom setting in for being stuck in the house for three days. But then I got the email saying it was all clear to head in back to work. I work in the payroll office for my now Alma matter and the only thought in my head for the people not on direct deposit was that they were all dumbasses.  I mean now they know for the next time a major disaster strikes and the need their money , but still its so much easier having the money going straight to the bank then having to wait for a check to clear or losing some of it to fees at check cashing places.

So the the school has set up site for all homeplace people and those who have been affected by the superstorm as theybare now calling it.  They are giving free meals and beds to sleep in.  They are also providing funds for students and staff,  I mean loans,  for those that need the.  I think that studsnt government will be organizing a few drives soon for food and clothes. Which is all fine and dandy.

Transportation sucks ass. Like seriously the First train was the only one goijg in and out of queens for me. And it was going local and stopped at 34the street. I was lucky that I lived by the fourth stop and could easily catch the bus for the second should it come by. Also the fact that they were letting us on for free was a major plus. It was going home that was the problem. The first day back the actuly had the nerve to shut down the station. It was so frustrating but I found an express bus that was going back to my old neighborhood and I figured that I would just cry on and have my mom pick me up of necessary. Needless to say it wasn't. The bus dropped me off in my new neighborhood thank god and I only had a 10-15 min walk after that.

And that became the plan. Get frustrated in the morning with local stops and get an easy ride home with the express bus.

I feel sorry for those that lost their homes completely and for those without and hear it power that didn't. My dad and best friend being among those that did. And for those thatost their lives my condolensces to their families and loved ones.

Stay strong, be safe..

Saturday, November 3, 2012

Facial Cleansing

I have combination/oily skin prone to acne from time to time. Lately that oil had been passing me of bit then again I'm not on a good skin cleaning regimen. I start of OK but its not am ingrained thing. I don't always follow through basically.

So I stopped by the body shop to pick up a few things to help get me book on track. I got a few items from the seaweed line, deep cleansing facial wash,  pore cleansing facial exfoliator, iconic clay mask,  mattifying moisture lotion. And the tea tree skin clearing lotion.

So the daily facial regimen is:
  • Cleanse twice a day,  
  • exfoliate afterwards every other day at night,  
  • clay mask twice a week in the mornings,  
  • followed by deep cleansing astringent or Aloe Vera gel and 
  • the mattifying lotion in the mornings and the tea tree lotion at night

Hopefully I can stick to it this time

Monday, October 29, 2012

kushandwisdom tumblr post....

kinda contradicting my post om slowly getting there, on slowly getting over him but this called to me for obvious reasons and it just made me not like the silence between us

i want to tell him everything but i know ill be wasting my breath in vain. i just want him to tell me how he really feels about me.

i know he doesnt love me and i know he likes me, but then his actions and the things he say contradicts everything.

i want him to figure this out all on his own and for me i just want the ache to go away... this shit is taking way too long tho

why are boys so slow in their affections?

Sunday, October 28, 2012

winter spritz

With the winter months,  the cold weather becomes taxing on the hair.  The hair is dry and makes the hair dry and brittle since there's no moisture in thehair. Its the time for protective styles,  the ends needs to be tucked away more now than ever.

Do protective styles really work.. in keeping moisture yes in growing , maybe . But keep in mind everyone's hair grows at different lengths.

Finding the right style is key also. They need to be low manipulative and loose enough to allow oils to run down the hair shaft. Twists are easier than braids to deal with in my opinion. But that's just me.

Spritz for day and night

  • Evoo
  • Grapeseed
  • Jamaican black castor oil (jbco)
  • Aloe oil or aloe Vera gel
  • Distilled water

sweet relief spray

So I've used apple cider vinegar in the most for my no poo washes and dandruff washes. Now I'm using it as a dry shampoo inbetween washes when I wear my twists or want to wear them longer.

I just spray this on my scalp and run it in while I redo my twists.  I've read in some posts that with the dry shampoos you're supposed to run your scalp with a wet cloth afterwards but I don't with this spray.

  • 1-2oz ACV 
  • 1-2 tbsp peppermint oil 
  • 1 capfull lemon juice
  • 1-2 tbsp evoo 
  • Fill with water
The amount you use all depends on the size of the bottle you have. Do it fully relieve the itch.. .no, but then again it just to stretch the style. 

making these twists last

Once again im doing a 1in3 hair challenge (grown 1-1 1/2" of hair in 3 months ) and I've been rocking mini twists for the last 2 weeks and right now I'm debating on taking the twists out and redoing them for another 2 weeks or leaving it in for another week cause my 2year Mark is coming up and I want rock out with my fro out! And my old club at school is doing a soul train party, lol.

So right now I'm using my sweet relief anti-itch spray and going through the front back and side twists to get them looking all nice and new and less frizzy. kinda wish I had the organic root stimulator herbal cleanse but I don't so the home mixer in me went to work and that acv with peppermmint oil did its work. It a not a dandruff spray but it works in relieving that itch for a little longer til I feel like washing it again.

I'm covering with my winter spritz and my satin bonnet cap.

slowly getting there. ..

Its getting easier these days,  I find myself waking up and he's not the first thing on my mind. 

For that I am grateful! 

Before I would be consumed with thoughts of him and that was no bueno!

He'd be the first thing on my mind,  I would go on facebook just to look at his face and do the same thing at work and at night. 

Was I obssessed..  NO. 

I juust loved him that much that is being apart,  us not talking,  us not seeing each other for months on end bothered me. I was stressed and angry a lot and just being with him for a few hours or looking at a pic of him for a few minutes,  helped relieve that. 

I was using him as a crutch and that was not good. 

Me needing him like that when he didn't feel the same or need me in that was not good. Me realizing how much I was puuting into him without getting nothing in return made me back off and try to shut off my emotions. 

For a while it was OK,  I backed off on texting him cause short one worded convos were not cool. Like I said we'd go weeks to months not talking. We’re both working and busy,  so that wasn't too much of a stretch. 

But I did cave a few times and he surprised me in contacting me. 

And now... I'm off facebook,  I deleted his pictures from my phone,  I haven't deleted him or old text messages yet from my phone or laptop. 

But I'll get there.. .eventually. 

Friday, October 26, 2012

heart chakra

So I had to look it up. You couldn't just tell me that my heart chakra was out of whack,  not explain it and think I'd be fine with the reading alone.  heart chakra meaning, stones, and healing

Heartache, the universal bastard that it is, is something that we've all experienced at one point or another. Whether we'd like to admit it not. I've learned that holding it in only makes it worse but I can't help it. I don't talk about my feelings like that and even when I do it doesn't cure it right away, I still feel the pain though lessened at the point in time. I cry I sulk I deny I accept I ignore and still it feels like the first day. No wonder she offered to heal my chakra.

The first time my heart broke was 7 years ago.. .first loves come and go. But this time was different, 2+ years ago (a number and time she kept bringing up)  falling in love with  him was a shocker and I analyzed, overanalyzed,  denied, & accepted before I let myself believe in it. and yet here I am with a screwed up heart.  Seconds loves are just as bad as the first. The real reason why its so screwed up is in doubting myself and whether or not in meant to build those type of relationships with others. Sucks but can't help how I feel.

I do want to change it though and I think I just might buy one of the stones or bracelets to carry with me. And the funny thing I've been wearing a lot of green latetly. I guess my chakra has been trying to heal itself subconsciously for a while now but this might also work into it chakra healing for beginners

Girls Night: Games, Drinks, Psychic Reading. ..

To begin with i had an awesome night with my girl Krystal and an old high school friendShavone. I was suprised to see her there really. I was just looking for someone to play scrabble with since Krystal didn't want to buy lo and behold its a tiny Edison reunion lol. 

Never did a psychic reading before but it was surprisingly accurate. Even if she just read my palm. she guessed my career choice in counseling, she saw my heartache that developed in the past 2 years  (said shesaw it in my heart chakra) apparently what I've been holding onto from them and now is messing with my chakra and it was to the point where she offered to clean it.. .for a price of course. Then she saw me married in two years with three kids in the future.  Married. .. me. .. two years? Ha! I amof little faith in that department. She also saw creativity and success, but she added that as an after thought. 

the event was like a meet and greet with games, drinks, food,  and lots of people in costume. There were board games, jenga,  taboo. ..and card games such as uno and spades (still haven't learned how to play that! )then they had twister (sadly my group lost). We left before musical chairs and the speed dating started. But hey it was getting late. 

However we three spent the next hour and a half jammin to old school hip hop & RnB and reggae at Fashion40. When I say we were going in on all the songs we were just in our own world singing along rifts and all while we danced. There were two guys that kinda put a damper on our fun for a bit and this one lady who just belonged on a pole with the muchness (Yea I made it up deal with it! ) she was doing on this guy she was with it was just eww and the faces he made like WTF were priceless

All in all awesome night! 

And Still I Rise - Maya Angelou

a beautiful and strong poem by Ms. Angelou.... its a lesson to all women who struggle in life hard trials that no matter what happens you can make it through and that there is a strength buried deep within that is passed onto from others that make you rise up past it all....

love it and love her work!

Thursday, October 25, 2012

Virgo Quote

A Virgo does not give love freely. You must be intelligent, ambitious and kind.

and that is the truth about me if you must know. i dont give out love easily. i am wary of others until i know they are genuine in their affections. but then again i fall in love fast at times. there are certain qualities that call out to me such as being sure of who you are and what you want, having an intended goal in mind of being what you want in life or least where you want to be in life. also i need someone that i feel comfortable around, someone i can joke around with but still have serious conversations, someone who i can get lost in listening to while they speak with passion of their passions. someone who is not grounded in one genre but has an eclectic taste such as myself in music and art. i dont need a boy but  a growing man: dont sag, dont put down others, dont cling (god i hate clingy people, if i dont do it neither should you!), and respect the need for personal space at times. someone who respects the quiet is alright with me. im not a party person, im not much of a drinker, i dont smoke (cigs are a no-no... weed is fine for you, lol), im not big on heels and make-up, i dont do dresses and skirts... often. so long as you dont try to change me or i you.. we are just fine

see how i go into rants... i done forgot what i was suppose to explain.

oh well, that the gist of what i look for and more into me i guess...

oh and yes, still unhapp-...happily... (shrug) single,


it'll happen when it happens!

Poem: Truth in the Making

in the hopes of making myself forget
in the hopes of making myself seem capable of moving on
i cast aside all that i think i knew
  all that i once believed i felt
  all that i had hoped, or at least thought i hoped, for
  all that i had once wanted with you
i cast aside and bury deep within myself
in the place where i put all unwanted thoughts and feelings
  the place whre i put all feelings that wont be returned
  the place where i bury my heart
i place a fresh coating on the mask i hide behind and smile
  i smile the pain away
  i smile into believing that all is okay
  i smile until the smile is once again real
and you don't affect my heart as much anymore

Manga Freak

Yea i am and right now my friend is feeding into my hobby. im a guys girl when it comes to certain manga and yea i will get all excited about when we go into specifics like the last episode of BLEACH all i can say is omg Byakyua is the shit for finally giving in to Ichigo and placing on him the life of soul society and holy shit Ichigo is pissed because Byakyua doesnt really like Ichigo though he respects him, but for him to go ahead and place this responsibility on Ichigo is saying alot.

then theres NARUTO, the third love of my anime life after INUYASHA and LUFFY from one piece. scratch that they're all after GOKU!!!! hahaha. Naruto has been through so much and right now he's fighting the guys who destroyed his family. Obito's pansy ass has no reason why Kakashi killed Rin and before even asking why the other side wanted her in the great war or even if it was Rin's request that Kakashi kill her before she gets captured, seeing as how they were outnumbered, he gets blinded by his love for her and revenge and takes it out on the world.... drama queen

One Piece, is a load of laughs, and so many other emotions. Like when they're fist boat came back for them when they were fighting to take Robin back from the world government, which by the way was effin awesome how they all stood on top of the building across from her declaring that they were nakama and nakama doesnt leave anyone behind (tear), and Brook with Binks Sake (still whistling the tune) and Movie 10: Stronghold.... just ugh. i love those guys they will do anything for their friends and for what they know in their hearts is right. like when the tenryubuti or however you spell it, attacked hachi... just oh shit luffy was mad. and when he lost ace i cried. damn losing his brother like that......

ok.... im okay

but you see. i know my shit!!!

crap i forgot about Natsuo in Fairy Tale and Oga in Beelzebub and Teito from 07 Ghost and so many others...

oh well read em and find out.