So i was talking to one of my friends last night.. for over and hour we was sitting there catching up and shit.. singing 'push it' from salt n peppa over the phone (dont ask.. she started it) and HE came up...
i mean why wouldn't he.. we havent spoken in months for some reason and i felt the need to bring her up to speed with that. she's known about him from the beginning and has listened to everything thats been happening between us so far.. so the need to feel her in is an essential one.
OF course, she feels some type of way about him as my best friend does and they both agree that i have a weak spot for him and should let him go. i agree with them on that.. but not wholeheartedly. i want to let him go and then again i dont.
same with being in a relationship with him as well, should that question ever arise in the far distant future. I want but then again i dont. he has so many marks against him and its a constant push and pull on my emotions when dealing with him. he'll say one thing that makes me change my mind on letting go but then he does something that brings it back full force.
i told her this and she began to tell me about myself.. that its all because i love him. i cant move on because im stuck in a continuous cycle of being hurt and im holding onto that hurt making it impossible to get where i want to be romantically and emotionally with another person.
that was the gist of what i got from her and she's right..
i am holding onto a lot of hurt despite the 'i dont give a fuck' facade i put on. its all there simmering underneath the mask. and no matter how much i can convince myself that im not bothered by it.
im hurt by my first love making me scared to give myself to someone else. im scared to tell someone how i feel because so far no guy has felt the same way, because so far ive been rejected twice by the guys that ive chosen to give my heart and body to. they'll take my body and i let them convinced that my heart is no longer a factor and i can use them as much as they use me.
but it takes it toll in the long run.
my tongue has permanent teeth marks from my biting the words 'i love you' to hold still in my mouth. but still i hold fast to him because for now i dont want to let go. being on my own doesnt scare me, ive been on my own for the longest. its the loss of what i experienced with him that im scared of losing. its the loss of what he evokes from me.. that i dont want to give up.
but i want to at the same time. im tired of the teeth marks on my tongue. im tired of waiting for the other shoe to drop and the fear of him finally saying that he's tired of me not that hes given any indication of the sort.
i just want to let go of my feelings of inadequacies in terms of giving myself to another in a relationship.