Closure, everyone one needs it whether they want to admit it to themselves or not... there are always those questions of the 5 Ws that linger after thngs fall apart...
And even though i say to myself i'm over him, i still have those sleepless nights where hes all i think about, i still have those feelings that i swear i finally got over, i still want him hear and i feel like any, if they ever occur at all, intimate relationship that i have with a guy in the future will be based off of him...
I love him...
i dont want to, but i do.
And sometimes i cant help but hate it... but i need to get his off my chest ( it may sound like a repeat of things ive posted before but this is what i feel, constantly)
I miss him like cray, his touch, his embrace, his kiss, his voice, his laugh.. just everything. I miss the beginning stages of when we used to talk and say what we liked about each other, i miss the conversations we had even if they pried to far into taking me out of my comfort one, i miss listening to him speak with such passion about doing the things he love.. they way his eyes would light up... i miss seeing the desire/ lust in them at something unexpected i would do to him... i miss the cuddling, i spending the nights with him...
I found out i really hate sleeping alone, sometimes i would wake up in the middle of the night (at the times he would use to call me to come over to jus make out or lay down with him for a while) and just lay there thinking of him... there was one night he called me over and he was sick with bronchitis and we couldnt really kiss like we usually do, but i still wanted to, well we both did... no french kissing involved just a lot of tracing of lips with the others, some biting and nibbling, sucking of spots on ears and neck... id say one of our most intimate moments ever...
and i miss that the most.. the level of intimacy we shared... hell the fact i opened up so much of myself still amazes me... another night for some reason sparked the conversation of why i am the way i am emotionally, why i put things off and seem as if i dont care or why i just take things in stride... in his guess he guessed right and saw through my facade and i shut down on him... it wasnt intentional it just i keep so much of myself closed off that it scared me he saw that much and i hated the vulnerability i felt in that moment...
but he surprised me in saying that hes glad that the guy who made me this way broke my heart, that he was the only one who got to see the soft side of me.... i have a love/hate with this cause he made me open up so much to him, he pried down my walls, he made me "feel" things i havent felt in a long time and says shit like that and still he doesnt feel the way i do.. he cares i know but i feel so inadequate adn used by him and i hate myself for continuing to allow it
i feel inadequate that i never seem to be enough for these guys.. they take what they want from me physically and i let them cause initially it was the same for me but they start to go outside the physically and get emotional & intimate that i cant help the way i fall sometimes..
its not fair.. im tired of feeling like this, im tired of being in perpetual heartache, im tired of not being enough to get the title but the benefits instead... im just so tired of it all
i want to be happy
im tired of faking being ok
.... i really need to find a way to tell him this, the weight on my chest is getting heavy again
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