I'm a huge contradiction when it comes to him, i say i want to leave him a lone, for us to stop stalking, for me to let go.. but i cant. I have even gone through the process of not contacting him via social media or my phone (deleting his number; blocking his feed on my fb timeline).. thought about him less and less, but when it came down to it, i couldn't help not knowing if he was doing alright, i couldn't not answer his text in the end, i couldn't say no to seeing him...
Whoever said distance makes the heart grows fonder forgot the loneliness, and the wonder, and pessimism that also follows....
These past few days has been interesting for the two of us.. we've been talking more... like every day for almost a week, which i still cant get over. its just something i haven't been used to lately and i don't know if i want to either.. he's still in another state and he's a terrible communicator... so these consecutive days will end at some point.
When he came to see me the other night, it was the usual thing, we hang out for a bit, make-out, get a bit touchy feel-y but this time, we danced in the street to John Legends 'Made to Love', he held me as if he didn't want to let go as if he was memorizing the lines of my body, engraving them in his mind, massaging away my tension, kneading away my troubles, i laid in his lap while John Mayer's' Gravity' played in the background, i didn't believe it when he said the song made him cry but when i felt it for myself, i just kissed away his tears.
Our romantic moments are what make me stay. And there are so many things that he says or does that make me believe in something for us, but at the same time i fear being rejected a second time around from him. It took a lot of 'something' ( i say something because it was never supposed to send, it was meant to be a different email but came out as a confession) in me to send him that email that was an unfinished thought on telling him why and how much i love him.
This time around i am not biting my tongue trying to hold it in. Its not on the edge as much anymore. And as much as i love our romantic moments, the idea of the elusive 'more' has not been trying to get out of me as being more than an idea. I think i have long since accepted the fact that 'more' doesn't apply to us.
And I'm okay... i think.
Last night, while he slept in my bed, surrounding me with his heat, keeping me close even when he turned away (boy is he a turner in his sleep)... he would always draw me back into his arms when he turned back to face me.. i smiled at the possessiveness he displayed at wanting me near him even in his sleep (this dude literally hauled me up from when i was on my stomach bringing my back to his front and wrapped his arm around me.. in my head i was like dude seriously.. but i smiled)
But i couldn't help but to wonder what are we exactly? what am i to him? if he talks about me to his friends, what does he call me? am i just Kameeka, am i just some girl he messes with, am i the side chick, am i his girl?
these questions weigh on my mind, my tongue, my heart... but i don't have it in me to voice it out loud. i don't want to shatter the illusion that we've built for ourselves in the dark. i don't want to break the bond that we've formed these past 3 years..
but the spell has to be broken at some point.. the thing is when reality settles in where will we, or rather i, be left standing? and when will be my breaking point at keeping everything to myself?