I've had Surgery

So if you follow me on twitter or instagram you'd know that i had surgery Thursday from that hematoma thingy ive been complaining about.

But it wasnt a hematoma. i visited my gynecologist on Monday and she told me that my doctor read the chart wrong (joy) and she did not understand why they told me i had a hematoma. Yes it was enlarged and they did see something but that wasnt it.

Whoosa!

Any who, what i had was a polyp (been spelling it wrong for a while lol). More specifically an endometrial polyp.

As Defined by Wiki:

An endometrial polyp or uterine polyp is a polyp or lesion in the lining of the uterus (endometrium) that takes up space within the uterine cavity. Commonly occurring, they are experienced by up to 10% of women.[6]...They range in size from a few millimeters to several centimeters.[7] link here

So pretty much i had some extra tissue in the lining of my uterus that cause me to have heavier bleeding during my periods and some bleeding before and after (pretty much light to heavy spotting).

Now the procedure i had done was a hysteroscopy. Its was a transvaginal procedure meaning they enter through my vagina and no topical incisions made. They opened up my cervix and scrapped away at anything thy could see that was abnormal.. hence polyp. Of course they explained to me what could go wrong, specifically a tear or scratch in my cervix (which unfortunately did happen) that they could fix up right away. So i have a few stitches on my cervix (again joy).

I was put under anesthesia and had me a lovely oxygen mask (my throat finally stopped hurting as much today). So i will be spotting for the next two weeks (again joy). No sex or bubbles baths (:::tear:::) and no tampon use at all (basically nothing inserted) until the all clear from the doc.

Le Sigh.

But its all good. And did i tell you my best friends are awesome. They both came and stayed with me for the day of. Krys came after work. Kizz's parents dropped me off and then took us all home. Mommy was there of course! And i love them all so dearly.

My support system is awesome!!!

Anyway thats my news, I've no pain (until 6-8pm last night) mostly a migraine and sore throat. Other than that i'm all good.

Have a great Weekend!
A.Soul

Side Note, the pain i was experiencing in my ovaries was something different altogether, but the birth control pills, as i was told by my gyn will relieve the symptoms. thank Jeezus!

Quick Update: On My Unexpected news

This hematoma hurts like a mf!! 

And i dont know if this nausea is a side effect (yes that is Pain from Naruto felt like it was called for)but nope, 

pineapples! 


i dont want it!
(This shit is tryna fuck me over!)


needed some humor>>>>


That is all! And i swear it cause my appointment is next week that it wants to act up cause it wasnt bothering all last week! This mother Fudge nugget! (yea i cursed!)

Le sigh...

For those of you that are new and have no idea what im talking about... read this  if not then i have a bruised, enlarged ovary that has a hematoma on it. how the fuck it got there i will never know but its been a few years and shit is getting crazy! i cant take the pain anymore (like crippling im-on-the-floor-crying-i-need-to-call-out-of-work-give-me-morphine type pain)

It shall soon be taaken care of.. AMEN!

And with that i bid you adieu, bonne nuit!

"Say Something, I'm Giving Up on You..."

I think its a sign! Having Pandora play and this song randomly comes on

"Say something, I'm giving up on you.

I'll be the one, if you want me to.

Anywhere, I would've followed you.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.

And I am feeling so small.

It was over my head

I know nothing at all.

And I will stumble and fall.

I'm still learning to love

Just starting to crawl.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.

I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you.

Anywhere, I would've followed you.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.

And I will swallow my pride.

You're the one that I love

And I'm saying goodbye.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.

And I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you.

And anywhere, I would have followed you.

Oh-oh-oh-oh say something, I'm giving up on you.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.

Say something..."

Now for all of you trying to let someone go, and they are making no effort for you to stay, this song says a lot. 

I think i'll leave it on repeat for while.. Josue, im giving up on you, say something

Pissed, Stunned, and Slightly Morbid...

One helluva post title right?

Well that's how i felt when i the news settled in about one of my family members...after a good laugh because it was so unexpected and just an all around immediate reaction..

I mean how often do you hear about a dude being woken up to feeling that every, and i mean every bit of him, being sore and there's a video going around that stars him?

Granted looking at what i wrote now, i feel like a terrible older fam for laughing at my family memebers misfortune and just straight shit luck... but like i said it was unexpected info and the way my mom was relaying it to me was not helping but here's the thing in general:

My family member was drugged and gang raped, and the shit was caught on film. He was supposed to be in a hood music video shoot.. but ending up being the star of a video he was not expecting.

Now his friends are avoiding him like the plague, showing him signs of disgust and contempt in the streets, and for 3 days he didn't know why, until someone started making jokes about the video.

Did i mention it was 3 guys that did it to him?... No.. well, like i said my family member was drugged and gang raped.. again, my reaction was not the best but we laughed at it cause like i said before its unreal and unexpected.

So does my post title seem right now?

I can honestly see my family member going back to jail indefinitely if he ever watches the video and catches the guys who did it to him.. even after years of therapy i don't see him ever letting it go. For now we haven't spoken of it much to anyone inside the fam but i really needed to get this out and writing is my release.

Honestly, i don't even know where or how to begin to deal with this info...

This is About Him...

I'm a huge contradiction when it comes to him, i say i want to leave him a lone, for us to stop stalking, for me to let go.. but i cant. I have even gone through the process of not contacting him via social media or my phone (deleting his number; blocking his feed on my fb timeline).. thought about him less and less, but when it came down to it, i couldn't help not knowing if he was doing alright, i couldn't not answer his text in the end, i couldn't say no to seeing him...

Whoever said distance makes the heart grows fonder forgot the loneliness, and the wonder, and pessimism that also follows....

These past few days has been interesting for the two of us.. we've been talking more... like every day for almost a week, which i still cant get over. its just something i haven't been used to lately and i don't know if i want to either.. he's still in another state and he's a terrible communicator... so these consecutive days will end at some point.

When he came to see me the other night, it was the usual thing, we hang out for a bit, make-out, get a bit touchy feel-y but this time, we danced in the street to John Legends 'Made to Love', he held me as if he didn't want to let go as if he was memorizing the lines of my body, engraving them in his mind, massaging away my tension, kneading away my troubles, i laid in his lap while John Mayer's' Gravity' played in the background, i didn't believe it when he said the song made him cry but when i felt it for myself, i just kissed away his tears.

Our romantic moments are what make me stay. And there are so many things that he says or does that make me believe in something for us, but at the same time i fear being rejected a second time around from him. It took a lot of 'something' ( i say something because it was never supposed to send, it was meant to be a different email but came out as a confession) in me to send him that email that was an unfinished thought on telling him why and how much i love him.

This time around i am not biting my tongue trying to hold it in. Its not on the edge as much anymore. And as much as i love our romantic moments, the idea of the elusive 'more' has not been trying to get out of me as being more than an idea. I think i have long since accepted the fact that 'more' doesn't apply to us.

And I'm okay... i think.

Last night, while he slept in my bed, surrounding me with his heat, keeping me close even when he turned away (boy is he a turner in his sleep)... he would always draw me back into his arms when he turned back to face me.. i smiled at the possessiveness he displayed at wanting me near him even in his sleep (this dude literally hauled me up from when i was on my stomach bringing my back to his front and wrapped his arm around me.. in my head i was like dude seriously.. but i smiled)

But i couldn't help but to wonder what are we exactly? what am i to him?  if he talks about me to his friends, what does he call me? am i just Kameeka, am i just some girl he messes with, am i the side chick, am i his girl?

these questions weigh on my mind, my tongue, my heart... but i don't have it in me to voice it out loud. i don't want to shatter the illusion that we've built for ourselves in the dark. i don't want to break the bond that we've formed these past 3 years..

but the spell has to be broken at some point.. the thing is when reality settles in where will we, or rather i, be left standing? and when will be my breaking point at keeping everything to myself?

Tell me about myself

So i was talking to one of my friends last night.. for over and hour we was sitting there catching up and shit.. singing 'push it' from salt n peppa over the phone (dont ask.. she started it) and HE came up...

i mean why wouldn't he.. we havent spoken in months for some reason and i felt the need to bring her up to speed with that. she's known about him from the beginning and has listened to everything thats been happening between us so far.. so the need to feel her in is an essential one.

OF course, she feels some type of way about him as my best friend does and they both agree that i have a weak spot for him and should let him go. i agree with them on that.. but not wholeheartedly. i want to let him go and then again i dont.

same with being in a relationship with him as well, should that question ever arise in the far distant future. I want but then again i dont. he has so many marks against him and its a constant push and pull on my emotions when dealing with him. he'll say one thing that makes me change my mind on letting go but then he does something that brings it back full force.

i told her this and she began to tell me about myself.. that its all because i love him. i cant move on because im stuck in a continuous cycle of being hurt and im holding onto that hurt making it impossible to get where i want to be romantically and emotionally with another person. 

that was the gist of what i got from her and she's right..

i am holding onto a lot of hurt despite the 'i dont give a fuck' facade i put on. its all there simmering underneath the mask. and no matter how much i can convince myself that im not bothered by it.

i am.

im hurt by my first love making me scared to give myself to someone else. im scared to tell someone how i feel because so far no guy has felt the same way, because so far ive been rejected twice by the guys that ive chosen to give my heart and body to. they'll take my body and i let them convinced that my heart is no longer a factor and i can use them as much as they use me. 

but it takes it toll in the long run.

my tongue has permanent teeth marks from my biting the words 'i love you' to hold still in my mouth. but still i hold fast to him because for now i dont want to let go. being on my own doesnt scare me, ive been on my own for the longest. its the loss of what i experienced with him that im scared of losing. its the loss of what he evokes from me.. that i dont want to give up.

but i want to at the same time. im tired of the teeth marks on my tongue. im tired of waiting for the other shoe to drop and the fear of him finally saying that he's tired of me not that hes given any indication of the sort.

i just want to let go of my feelings of inadequacies in terms of giving myself to another in a relationship.

PTFO!

-_____-

Now I'm angry!

This fucking bastard forgot the email where i confessed my feelings for him... Point blank told him i loved him... Here i am a year and change later still fretting over it and he fucking forgot!

Yesterday i was conflicted in what i was feeling and now i'm pissed off. was it really that unimportant, that insignificant, that he could forget. I mean damn i know his memory sucks but how could he?

Even if he were to read the email now, which i specifically  told him not to, i have the strongest urge to punch him in the throat!

(alright its been a couple hours seen i wrote this.. i feel better now, still a little peeved but less violent!)

where is the ltm?

he forget...

its pretty simple. forgetting. the act of losing a memory of an action. but seriously of all things to forget, he forgets that i told him i loved him. i dont know whether to cry or just say fuck it and forget myself. im so mixed with my feelings right now, theres also a bit of relief in his forgetting.

another weight lifted but a heavier weight gained.

he asked me if i cared and i wanted to say of course i care, i love you. but i just had to bring up the email. yea its been over a year but it was a big event, i dont go pouring out my emotions to people so rawly especially for no reason.

man, i wish i could go and re read it but i deleted it on my end (yea theres a copy somewhere) . i hope he does but doesnt read it at the same time. you know...

sigh...

in the end i got a weekend full of him even if it was just for an hour or so... i missed him, i missed the conversations, the kisses, his touch... and of course i went the extra mile and had sex with the guy but its fine cause who knows when ill see his face again...

i did tell him though that i had deleted his number, had the intention of not speaking to him past his birthday, that i tried to forget about him,us... he just said he'll keep coming back, bringing back memories and making new ones.

this guy!

stopping cold turkey didnt work, avoiding him definitely didnt work, not thinking about him really wont work...

there should be a handbook on love.

Shit i need to get off my chest..

Closure, everyone one needs it whether they want to admit it to themselves or not... there are always those questions of the 5 Ws that linger after thngs fall apart...

And even though i say to myself i'm over him, i still have those sleepless nights where hes all i think about, i still have those feelings that i swear i finally got over, i still want him hear and i feel like any, if they ever occur at all, intimate relationship that i have with a guy in the future will be based off of him...

I love him...

i dont want to, but i do.

And sometimes i cant help but hate it... but i need to get his off my chest ( it may sound like a repeat of things ive posted before but this is what i feel, constantly)

I miss him like cray, his touch, his embrace, his kiss, his voice, his laugh.. just everything. I miss the beginning stages of when we used to talk and say what we liked about each other, i miss the conversations we had even if they pried to far into taking me out of my comfort one, i miss listening to him speak with such passion about doing the things he love.. they way his eyes would light up... i miss seeing the desire/ lust in them at something unexpected i would do to him... i miss the cuddling, i spending the nights with him...

I found out i really hate sleeping alone, sometimes i would wake up in the middle of the night (at the times he would use to call me to come over to jus make out or lay down with him for a while) and just lay there thinking of him... there was one night he called me over and he was sick with bronchitis and we couldnt really kiss like we usually do, but i still wanted to, well we both did... no french kissing involved just a lot of tracing of lips with the others, some biting and nibbling, sucking of spots on ears and neck... id say one of our most intimate moments ever...

and i miss that the most.. the level of intimacy we shared... hell the fact i opened up so much of myself still amazes me... another night for some reason sparked the conversation of why i am the way i am emotionally, why i put things off and seem as if i dont care or why i just take things in stride... in his guess he guessed right and saw through my facade and i shut down on him... it wasnt intentional it just i keep so much of myself closed off that it scared me he saw that much and i hated the vulnerability i felt in that moment...

but he surprised me in saying that hes glad that the guy who made me this way broke my heart, that he was the only one who got to see the soft side of me.... i have a love/hate with this cause he made me open up so much to him, he pried down my walls, he made me "feel" things i havent felt in a long time and says shit like that and still he doesnt feel the way i do.. he cares i know but i feel so inadequate adn used by him and i hate myself for continuing to allow it

i feel inadequate that i never seem to be enough for these guys.. they take what they want from me physically and i let them cause initially it was the same for me but they start to go outside the physically and get emotional & intimate that i cant help the way i fall sometimes..

its not fair.. im tired of feeling like this, im tired of being in perpetual heartache, im tired of not being enough to get the title but the benefits instead... im just so tired of it all

i want to be happy

im tired of faking being ok

.... i really need to find a way to tell him this, the weight on my chest is getting heavy again

He Called, He Stopped By...

SO let me begin by saying that HE, the one that i have been trying to get over for the longest, the one who was the second person to reject my feelings for them, and the one who i've experienced so much with..

Called me at 4' something saturday morning

Why? because in his words "i am the only weird person that would still be up at such an hour"

Honestly i had to look at my phone like who the hell was calling me so early in the morning because the number wasn't familiar AT ALL! and then he started talking some FBI nonsense but when he went into ninja mode i was just like ugh.. this loser lol

the time we spent together was nice, we stayed on the phone talking until he drove up to my house mostly BS talk that made no sense and us catching up. He was down for his dads birthday and I was just a stop on the way i guess. We hung out for a few hours, talked about the changes we saw in each other, he bought me a vanilla chai, We kissed  =)

In a way we were both using each other, i had to see if my feelings were still there or if his changed. Mines did and his pretty much stayed the same. Yea we made out for a bit, some kissing and heavy petting but to me it wasnt the same... like i said i dont feel anything for him anymore.

I told him that i didnt think that we would see each other again, like ever. and he was like why? i just said we hardly talk or see each other as is, so why wouldn't i think that, yes i know he works 12 hour shifts and stuff, and now i know he has an apartment up in CT where my girl used to pick me from the train station when i used to visit her up there, hes cemented up there. I dont see why we should try to continue anything here.

Im not a selfish person but i will be selfish in this. i want someone who i can talk to often, doesnt have to be everday, or even if they are overworked who will at least hit me up once in a while to let me know that they're ok, hell alive even. I dont mind not having physical contact i can deal without it, but i need to hear from you more than once every few months.

Sigh,

anyway i told him that i worked on getting rid of my feelings for him and forgetting about him and he said he was sorry, i told him dont worry bout it.. i never told him i succeeded.

any way, he dropped me home, and asked me to call him later...
did i.. yes (twice)
did he answer....
no

Again, sigh..

cant say i didnt abide by his request

his birthday will probably be the last time he hears from me...
just a week away

This Bitch (2)

Sigh...

This woman is giving me more migraines than i would care for in this office.

I dont know how in the world i haven't throttled her or cursed her out already.

Yesterday.. oh boy yesterday...

::deep breathe::

I am so glad i have that level of control over myself cause i swear that i would have lost my job yesterday, hell i was ready to quit!

So heres the thing in distribution its just me and her and sometimes a third person helps. now with the moves in cuny's system of all full time personnel going to a central office there are less people in the office at the main campus. so when someone is going fro lunch we have to see if at least one or two is gonna stay behind and you know "man the fort"

so when the assistant director gone and everyone else out for lunch i was there after i finished my lunch doing some of my work that had piled while i was downstairs and manning the window.. so its while im helping someone that my phone is blowing up and its 'this bitch' asking me to come down so she can come up and do what she needs to in regards to her 'schedule'

by this point i dont particularly care for her and im taking my sweet as time to go downstairs
hmph

she had the nerve to ask me if i 'work distribution"

mind you ive been working distribution for almost 5 years, managing it for 2, and its only when her bitch ass came around that shit started fucking up.. with her busy body. no patience having, always cussing/complaining bout something...

breathe.....
WHOOOOOOOOOSSAAAAAAAA!

oh the tension in this place now..
anyone wanna help me find a new job.. preferably in a school in nyc area.. charter schools are cool too

BE A LEADER!

Ok, so here's the main reason for this post...

One of my pet peeves is having to deal with people who cant seem to think for themselves are always looking at you, what your doing, how your living for stuff that they can, in proper negro terms "BITE" off of...

Yea i don't mind being the inspiration for you to do things in your own way, on your own time without my involvement but when i need to be involved its a problem.

See my mother is a follower, its always (in terms of hair stuff and cooking and shopping):

"oh can you do this for me too?"
"what are you mixing, what is that for?"
"how should i do this?"
"am i using enough?"
"can you make this for us?"
"can you show me how to do this again?" Mind you i showed her like 10 times already
"where did you get that from and why don't you think of your mother when you go buy things?"
"where did you get that from i want the same exact thing?"

::Sigh::

This is what i deal with on a yearly basis.. see why i don't like followers

I don't mind giving advice, pointers in the right direction ,telling you where i shop or got things from recently.
I don't mind showing you how to mix and make
I don't mind giving you the website where i got the recipe

But there has to be a line where you do on your own and leave me out of it or you'll never learn

the Unsent Emails..

So one day me and the guy im trying to get over had this conversation on what im looking for in a guy, you know relationship type qualities. I had started off saying some shit but couldnt word it properly so he said to email it to him. I said fine.So i wrote it but never sent it and its sitting with four other emails that i wanted to send to him. It would've been 5 but i got caught up in writing it and hit send instead of save like i always do.

Unfortunately that was the email of me confessing my feelings for him in all its condensed straight forward glory. even used the 'L" word.... yea he didnt/doesnt feel the same, hence the whole me getting over him bit..

But yea these are the emails:

(1) Ideal Person
so I was just going back over what we talked about concerning the ideal person or "soulmate", its not that I have someone set in mind but its someone that I wouldnt mind having that possibility with in the future should we ever get that far. but you know theres always room for change in feelings, kind of in uncharted waters with the whole idea. in terms of characteristics, like I told you its someone who I can be myself around, i'm changing the whole laughing bit to someone who I can have fun with, somebody who I can joke around with but still have our serious moments. I cant deal with high maintenance needy people who cant think or do for themselves, you gotta be able to stand on your feet and use your head but not be afraid to talk or ask for help when its needed. I like someone who's comfortable with himself, knows what hes aiming for in life or at least has something of a goal set in mind. I think that pretty much cuts it for now, being a good listener, trustworthy, reliable and respectful of personal space and silence is also a good thing.

(2) VDay
so go with all this vday hype i'm gonna give you another small confession about my feelings towards you - the main reason why I keep coming back. its not because of all the physical stuff or the intensity that I find with no one else but you, but really the comfort that I get while being in your arms, which led to a whole bunch of "firsts" with you:

you're the first guy I initiated a kiss with, the first guy whose house I slept over, the first guy I slow danced with (if you remember that), the one and so far only guy that I would get out of bed for at 2 in the morning, the only one I would walk up & down guy r brewer (in heels) for at 430 in the morning lol, the only guy who I blatantly told "i like you" from the get go.

and as of late you are the only guy who, after getting past all my insecurities and internal musings of my own feelings, I was able to stare back into his eyes without minding the feeling of being extremely exposed at you seeing everything I was trying to hide. so if you were wondering about it now you know the beginnings of it...

so I hope you enjoyed this and let out that big sappy "aww" and yes ill accept being called soft for this :p

(3) Sweet Things You Do

here I am laying in bed thinking about you and the random sweet things that you say or do to me like when you asked me "can I keep you?" I melted a little inside, did you know that it is my favorite movie line of all time? it was from the casper movie with christina ricci and it was so sweet with them dancing in the air and him whispering it to her in her ear. and when you said it to me unknowing of that fact, I was just extremely happy. and when you made the remark about you being happy about the way I turned out after my past "relationships" or that no one else sees that soft side of me like when we cuddle, little things like that make smile when im with you. its little things like that make me want to stay with you and want to spread sweet, soft, slow kisses all over you.

(4) Whats Behind the Kiss
one time you asked me what do I see when I kiss you and I told you that I see a full moon, stars, and a bunch of trees. and you thought I was making it up but I wasn't. my safe place, my place of peace, my getaway, my escape from it all is envisioning myself lying in a field in middle of a park/forest under a night sky filled with stars and a full moon. so me kissing you just reminded of all that and aside from the intense pleasure there is the feeling of being safe with you.

yesterdays eventfulness...

Went to Church with the bestie.. not overly religious and its like a miracle to get me into the place on my own. I just dont fell it necessary to have to leave the comfort of my bed to get dressed to sit and be bored for two hours listening to someone else's view on scripture...

Honestly, thats what school is for only there is less yelling

But yesterday i was brought to tears when they asked us to pray for ourselves. And they did this after we had a conversation with God. to praise Him. i dont know what it was but i think it had to do with me always watching out for everyone and ignoring my problems, that to take those few minutes to focus on me and my wants and needs was a bit much for me.

And i cried... not like full blown tears and dry heaving with boogers down my nose.. i held that shit in. but really i just wanted to breakdown right then and there. I guess i'm so oblivious to my own self that i never really considered what i actually wanted.

i didn't pray for financial success, i din't pray for anything materialistic, i pray for guidance, i prayed for Him to guide me on the right path, i prayed for whatever trials He's set forth to make me a better person, i prayed for Him to heal my heart, I prayed for Him to help me in doing what he believes is best for me, i prayed for His strength to help me in dealing with all that he has set forth for me...

I prayed and I cried... cause i never really thing about myself that way

Why Tho?...

I miss him something fierce lately and its not healthy in the least bit!

At least not in my book. We don't talk, text, or write... so why? Why can't i get him out of my head? why does his face repeatedly cross my mind? why does his name make hard attempts at escaping my closed lips? why wont my heart just let him go?

I know its not good. this... obsession... that i have. the fact that i am calling it an obsession out loud is more than enough for me to know that its not right in the least bit. I feel like an up and coming stalker but i am making no moves past checking his fb (to look at his face to appease my emptiness).

again, so not healthy!

I WANT HIM... KIND OF NEED HIM IN MY EVERYDAY... (or not)

::sigh::

i feel so pathetic, its not even funny. i get stuck feeling these great feelings and no one is there to reciprocate it. no one wants me back

::sigh:: 

PATHETIC!

i can say that one day it will get returned, i can say that all this waiting will be for something... but im starting to believe it less and less lately

::sigh::

Feeling....Lost

Its nothing new, I've been feeling like this for a while. i dont know  which direction im heading in on the road im taking i just know what i want my destination to be.

However, its taking me a while to find my resolve and plan the steps for it. I know what i want to do and how i should do it but my drive to get things started is gone.

Its like i need to find myself all over again.

And i dont want to take that route... i changed my hair, my attitude, my perspective.. and im comfortable in my skin, but what am i changing now?

My heart is just not into anything anymore.. and try as i might to ignore and deny its still stuck on one person.

I guess bffle was right when she said i needed to get him out of my system. And as much as i say i am over him, i guess its still not completely true in its entirety. What i feel (how i wish i could say felt right now) for im is nothing compared to what i felt for my first love.

its so much more.

I have days when i can go without thinking about him, moments where i forget my feelings, but times like this.. holiday seasons, nights alone, and i just wish i could go back to those couple hours spent in his bed, wrapped in his arms, with his lips on mine...

Wishful thinking gets me nowhere...

Its like im torturing myself over and over again knowing that we cant get back to that no matter how much i wish we could, but i need this time alone to figure myself out, maybe more time out of school maybe just time needed away from here... from all that reminds me of him.

The Date..

Yea i said it. i had first date finally!
(whoo hooo!)

It was good too. We got drinks (sangria! my fave) shared dessert (brownie sundae), talked laughed and watched a good movie (red dawn).

And I was completely comfortable with him. I didn't have to hide behind a mask, I could be myself.

It was great.

But i didn't feel anything for him.

Let me explain who he is. He is a guy that i went to elementary school with and surprisingly we have the same intials, first middle and last lol. We get along great and yea i did have a crush on him back then and he admitted to having on one me also a few years ago. Lately we've been texting back and forth for the past couple of weeks and its cool. i get my morning texts from him and its always something different but pretty much meaning the same thing "good morning beautiful" or john lennons "good morning starshine"

i like sweet things like that. he'll text me throughout the day, asking how its going, listening to me vent my frustrations about work and home, asking me about my writing and my small business that i want to set up. Its nice that i have someone so interested in me for a change.

But i dont feel the same way

Maybe I'm still hung up on Josue, maybe not.
Maybe I've just outgrown the crush i had on him so long ago

Still, i don't feel anything romantic for him..
maybe he could be a new lollipop as my girl Thania calls them.

I dont know.
he's just not the one i want right now
but then again im not even sure what i want anymore

slowly getting there. ..

Its getting easier these days,  I find myself waking up and he's not the first thing on my mind. 

For that I am grateful! 

Before I would be consumed with thoughts of him and that was no bueno!

He'd be the first thing on my mind,  I would go on facebook just to look at his face and do the same thing at work and at night. 

Was I obssessed..  NO. 

I juust loved him that much that is being apart,  us not talking,  us not seeing each other for months on end bothered me. I was stressed and angry a lot and just being with him for a few hours or looking at a pic of him for a few minutes,  helped relieve that. 

I was using him as a crutch and that was not good. 

Me needing him like that when he didn't feel the same or need me in that was not good. Me realizing how much I was puuting into him without getting nothing in return made me back off and try to shut off my emotions. 

For a while it was OK,  I backed off on texting him cause short one worded convos were not cool. Like I said we'd go weeks to months not talking. We’re both working and busy,  so that wasn't too much of a stretch. 

But I did cave a few times and he surprised me in contacting me. 

And now... I'm off facebook,  I deleted his pictures from my phone,  I haven't deleted him or old text messages yet from my phone or laptop. 

But I'll get there.. .eventually. 

Poem: Truth in the Making

in the hopes of making myself forget
in the hopes of making myself seem capable of moving on
i cast aside all that i think i knew
  all that i once believed i felt
  all that i had hoped, or at least thought i hoped, for
  all that i had once wanted with you
i cast aside and bury deep within myself
in the place where i put all unwanted thoughts and feelings
  the place whre i put all feelings that wont be returned
  the place where i bury my heart
i place a fresh coating on the mask i hide behind and smile
  i smile the pain away
  i smile into believing that all is okay
  i smile until the smile is once again real
and you don't affect my heart as much anymore