Poem: Truth in the Making

in the hopes of making myself forget
in the hopes of making myself seem capable of moving on
i cast aside all that i think i knew
  all that i once believed i felt
  all that i had hoped, or at least thought i hoped, for
  all that i had once wanted with you
i cast aside and bury deep within myself
in the place where i put all unwanted thoughts and feelings
  the place whre i put all feelings that wont be returned
  the place where i bury my heart
i place a fresh coating on the mask i hide behind and smile
  i smile the pain away
  i smile into believing that all is okay
  i smile until the smile is once again real
and you don't affect my heart as much anymore

Hope- Who Am I To Say

Damn this had me crying for a bit last night.  I just ... I don't know. I don't want to lose him but what's gone is gone and there's no point in trying for anything with him at all.

I guess I loved him mire than I realized and I thought something was there but it wasn't now I just have to let it go.

One day it will happen but now I'll have to deal with the ache in my hear for just a  little while longer

Just Maybe...

Seeing this, made me realize that maybe, just maybe theres hope for those unspoken words and that maybe, just maybe it wont come to pass of us living life separately but together one day.

lost in thought.

Hi,  I told you all that I'm not big on the whole blogging thing in more on Tumblr or Twitter than anything else.  Hell I even deactivated my facebook account.  It was for multiple reasons, but mainly because I was trying to get over someone but the dude ended texting me the next day so fail on that part.

Lately its just like I want to start a relationship,  a commitment,  just something that would go from long term to forever. .. with him. And it's not going to happen.After much deliberation, denial, and ignoring, I finally came to terms with my feelings by a for him and I realized that I loved him.  I also so realized that it was hopeless as well cause he didn't want the same things I did.

So I kept silent and buried my feelings til one day I unintentionally sent him an email admitting the depth of my feelings.  big whoops on my part but I was glad I sent it even after he responded.  It was a weight lifted off my shoulders and my heart but the depth of his answer bothered me more than I thought.  I thought I was fine but after a few months I saw that it scarred me more than I thought.

I feel like my feelings aren't good enough,  that I'm not good enough.  And these feelings of inadequacy hurt more than any heart break ever could.  I know that I'm being a bit irrational and over dramatic but you'd feel the same way of both guys you fell in love with denied you and moved into someone else. I’m okay in burying myself in work,  tiring myself out to forget but it's the times when I'm awake and alone that suck the most. Because my thoughts always turn to him and what we don't have anymore.

I'm not looking for anyone cause I still want him. I'm not searching for Mr Right because I feel that he is it. But I'm not waiting for him either. We grew apart to grow on our own and to find ourselves. And also to find the ones we are meant to be with. The more I tell myself that the more real it will seem. So I'll accept what was inevitable from the beginning and work on being me to the fullest. Hopefully one day I'll meet someone who's willing to give their hearty back to me as I give my own to them.