Feeling....Lost

Its nothing new, I've been feeling like this for a while. i dont know  which direction im heading in on the road im taking i just know what i want my destination to be.

However, its taking me a while to find my resolve and plan the steps for it. I know what i want to do and how i should do it but my drive to get things started is gone.

Its like i need to find myself all over again.

And i dont want to take that route... i changed my hair, my attitude, my perspective.. and im comfortable in my skin, but what am i changing now?

My heart is just not into anything anymore.. and try as i might to ignore and deny its still stuck on one person.

I guess bffle was right when she said i needed to get him out of my system. And as much as i say i am over him, i guess its still not completely true in its entirety. What i feel (how i wish i could say felt right now) for im is nothing compared to what i felt for my first love.

its so much more.

I have days when i can go without thinking about him, moments where i forget my feelings, but times like this.. holiday seasons, nights alone, and i just wish i could go back to those couple hours spent in his bed, wrapped in his arms, with his lips on mine...

Wishful thinking gets me nowhere...

Its like im torturing myself over and over again knowing that we cant get back to that no matter how much i wish we could, but i need this time alone to figure myself out, maybe more time out of school maybe just time needed away from here... from all that reminds me of him.

Poem: Truth in the Making

in the hopes of making myself forget
in the hopes of making myself seem capable of moving on
i cast aside all that i think i knew
  all that i once believed i felt
  all that i had hoped, or at least thought i hoped, for
  all that i had once wanted with you
i cast aside and bury deep within myself
in the place where i put all unwanted thoughts and feelings
  the place whre i put all feelings that wont be returned
  the place where i bury my heart
i place a fresh coating on the mask i hide behind and smile
  i smile the pain away
  i smile into believing that all is okay
  i smile until the smile is once again real
and you don't affect my heart as much anymore