Why now?

Lounging around in my bed on facebook... playing Candy Crush (whole new addiction) when i get that little pop sound of a new message... and guess who its from?!

Guess!

None other than Mr. I-Dont-Feel-The-Same-Way himself!

Why can't he just let me go in peace, i've been doing good lately... i havent tried to contact him since his birthday a couple of weeks ago, my mind still conjures up thoughts of him but i dont entertain them long, i only speak of him when asked... so why cant he just let me go...

We didnt date, we didnt take titles, we were never in a relationship just a fling that lasted too long..

so really,

I wish my subconscious feelings never made themselves know, i wish i never acknowledged them, i wish i never sent that email.. but then again im glad that weight was off my chest for the time... i just made myself numb as usual with his rejection

Sucks but it works for me.. i am a suppressor when it comes to my feelings; so for me to even let you in, let you know how i feel.. its a lot you know

and for two guys to reject me after playing on my heartstrings... its just a bit much on my own insecurities in my self...

so again i ask, why now? why is he making something of an effort now?

Why Tho?...

I miss him something fierce lately and its not healthy in the least bit!

At least not in my book. We don't talk, text, or write... so why? Why can't i get him out of my head? why does his face repeatedly cross my mind? why does his name make hard attempts at escaping my closed lips? why wont my heart just let him go?

I know its not good. this... obsession... that i have. the fact that i am calling it an obsession out loud is more than enough for me to know that its not right in the least bit. I feel like an up and coming stalker but i am making no moves past checking his fb (to look at his face to appease my emptiness).

again, so not healthy!

I WANT HIM... KIND OF NEED HIM IN MY EVERYDAY... (or not)

::sigh::

i feel so pathetic, its not even funny. i get stuck feeling these great feelings and no one is there to reciprocate it. no one wants me back

::sigh:: 

PATHETIC!

i can say that one day it will get returned, i can say that all this waiting will be for something... but im starting to believe it less and less lately

::sigh::

Feeling....Lost

Its nothing new, I've been feeling like this for a while. i dont know  which direction im heading in on the road im taking i just know what i want my destination to be.

However, its taking me a while to find my resolve and plan the steps for it. I know what i want to do and how i should do it but my drive to get things started is gone.

Its like i need to find myself all over again.

And i dont want to take that route... i changed my hair, my attitude, my perspective.. and im comfortable in my skin, but what am i changing now?

My heart is just not into anything anymore.. and try as i might to ignore and deny its still stuck on one person.

I guess bffle was right when she said i needed to get him out of my system. And as much as i say i am over him, i guess its still not completely true in its entirety. What i feel (how i wish i could say felt right now) for im is nothing compared to what i felt for my first love.

its so much more.

I have days when i can go without thinking about him, moments where i forget my feelings, but times like this.. holiday seasons, nights alone, and i just wish i could go back to those couple hours spent in his bed, wrapped in his arms, with his lips on mine...

Wishful thinking gets me nowhere...

Its like im torturing myself over and over again knowing that we cant get back to that no matter how much i wish we could, but i need this time alone to figure myself out, maybe more time out of school maybe just time needed away from here... from all that reminds me of him.

Still waiting for that first date...

Yea i said it I am 23 years old and i have yet to have someone ask me on a date. yea i have gone out with a guy one on one but still inno way shape or form have either one of us called the outtings a date...

Sad isnt it?...

I want this month to have at least three dates. i want to enter 2013 from being dateless to having the experience of it. i dont care if it was good or bad, if the food sucked, if the wiaters were terrible , if the entertainement was dull, or the place had no ambiance.

i want to have that first date.

relationship crap can come at another time. that in itself is a whole nother story....

I Realized I'm over Him...

That in itself is so flippin awesome. And it took shorter than i thought it would. Getting over my first love was like...

And i was just so negative about it....

I thought that i was completely over the whole love thing for a while....

And then i experienced what real 'love' was like even tho it wasn't reciprocated but then shit had to go sideways and get complicated and then it was like....

Being rejected by both guys made me doubt myself  for a while hence...

And once again i was back here....

                                           

I don't do depressing situations well so ... 

And now this morning i felt great so...

Virgo Quote

A Virgo does not give love freely. You must be intelligent, ambitious and kind.

and that is the truth about me if you must know. i dont give out love easily. i am wary of others until i know they are genuine in their affections. but then again i fall in love fast at times. there are certain qualities that call out to me such as being sure of who you are and what you want, having an intended goal in mind of being what you want in life or least where you want to be in life. also i need someone that i feel comfortable around, someone i can joke around with but still have serious conversations, someone who i can get lost in listening to while they speak with passion of their passions. someone who is not grounded in one genre but has an eclectic taste such as myself in music and art. i dont need a boy but  a growing man: dont sag, dont put down others, dont cling (god i hate clingy people, if i dont do it neither should you!), and respect the need for personal space at times. someone who respects the quiet is alright with me. im not a party person, im not much of a drinker, i dont smoke (cigs are a no-no... weed is fine for you, lol), im not big on heels and make-up, i dont do dresses and skirts... often. so long as you dont try to change me or i you.. we are just fine

see how i go into rants... i done forgot what i was suppose to explain.

oh well, that the gist of what i look for and more into me i guess...

oh and yes, still unhapp-...happily... (shrug) single,

whatever,

it'll happen when it happens!