This Bitch (2)

Sigh...

This woman is giving me more migraines than i would care for in this office.

I dont know how in the world i haven't throttled her or cursed her out already.

Yesterday.. oh boy yesterday...

::deep breathe::

I am so glad i have that level of control over myself cause i swear that i would have lost my job yesterday, hell i was ready to quit!

So heres the thing in distribution its just me and her and sometimes a third person helps. now with the moves in cuny's system of all full time personnel going to a central office there are less people in the office at the main campus. so when someone is going fro lunch we have to see if at least one or two is gonna stay behind and you know "man the fort"

so when the assistant director gone and everyone else out for lunch i was there after i finished my lunch doing some of my work that had piled while i was downstairs and manning the window.. so its while im helping someone that my phone is blowing up and its 'this bitch' asking me to come down so she can come up and do what she needs to in regards to her 'schedule'

by this point i dont particularly care for her and im taking my sweet as time to go downstairs
hmph

she had the nerve to ask me if i 'work distribution"

mind you ive been working distribution for almost 5 years, managing it for 2, and its only when her bitch ass came around that shit started fucking up.. with her busy body. no patience having, always cussing/complaining bout something...

breathe.....
WHOOOOOOOOOSSAAAAAAAA!

oh the tension in this place now..
anyone wanna help me find a new job.. preferably in a school in nyc area.. charter schools are cool too

BE A LEADER!

Ok, so here's the main reason for this post...

One of my pet peeves is having to deal with people who cant seem to think for themselves are always looking at you, what your doing, how your living for stuff that they can, in proper negro terms "BITE" off of...

Yea i don't mind being the inspiration for you to do things in your own way, on your own time without my involvement but when i need to be involved its a problem.

See my mother is a follower, its always (in terms of hair stuff and cooking and shopping):

"oh can you do this for me too?"
"what are you mixing, what is that for?"
"how should i do this?"
"am i using enough?"
"can you make this for us?"
"can you show me how to do this again?" Mind you i showed her like 10 times already
"where did you get that from and why don't you think of your mother when you go buy things?"
"where did you get that from i want the same exact thing?"

::Sigh::

This is what i deal with on a yearly basis.. see why i don't like followers

I don't mind giving advice, pointers in the right direction ,telling you where i shop or got things from recently.
I don't mind showing you how to mix and make
I don't mind giving you the website where i got the recipe

But there has to be a line where you do on your own and leave me out of it or you'll never learn

lost in thought.

Hi,  I told you all that I'm not big on the whole blogging thing in more on Tumblr or Twitter than anything else.  Hell I even deactivated my facebook account.  It was for multiple reasons, but mainly because I was trying to get over someone but the dude ended texting me the next day so fail on that part.

Lately its just like I want to start a relationship,  a commitment,  just something that would go from long term to forever. .. with him. And it's not going to happen.After much deliberation, denial, and ignoring, I finally came to terms with my feelings by a for him and I realized that I loved him.  I also so realized that it was hopeless as well cause he didn't want the same things I did.

So I kept silent and buried my feelings til one day I unintentionally sent him an email admitting the depth of my feelings.  big whoops on my part but I was glad I sent it even after he responded.  It was a weight lifted off my shoulders and my heart but the depth of his answer bothered me more than I thought.  I thought I was fine but after a few months I saw that it scarred me more than I thought.

I feel like my feelings aren't good enough,  that I'm not good enough.  And these feelings of inadequacy hurt more than any heart break ever could.  I know that I'm being a bit irrational and over dramatic but you'd feel the same way of both guys you fell in love with denied you and moved into someone else. I’m okay in burying myself in work,  tiring myself out to forget but it's the times when I'm awake and alone that suck the most. Because my thoughts always turn to him and what we don't have anymore.

I'm not looking for anyone cause I still want him. I'm not searching for Mr Right because I feel that he is it. But I'm not waiting for him either. We grew apart to grow on our own and to find ourselves. And also to find the ones we are meant to be with. The more I tell myself that the more real it will seem. So I'll accept what was inevitable from the beginning and work on being me to the fullest. Hopefully one day I'll meet someone who's willing to give their hearty back to me as I give my own to them.