This is About Him...

I'm a huge contradiction when it comes to him, i say i want to leave him a lone, for us to stop stalking, for me to let go.. but i cant. I have even gone through the process of not contacting him via social media or my phone (deleting his number; blocking his feed on my fb timeline).. thought about him less and less, but when it came down to it, i couldn't help not knowing if he was doing alright, i couldn't not answer his text in the end, i couldn't say no to seeing him...

Whoever said distance makes the heart grows fonder forgot the loneliness, and the wonder, and pessimism that also follows....

These past few days has been interesting for the two of us.. we've been talking more... like every day for almost a week, which i still cant get over. its just something i haven't been used to lately and i don't know if i want to either.. he's still in another state and he's a terrible communicator... so these consecutive days will end at some point.

When he came to see me the other night, it was the usual thing, we hang out for a bit, make-out, get a bit touchy feel-y but this time, we danced in the street to John Legends 'Made to Love', he held me as if he didn't want to let go as if he was memorizing the lines of my body, engraving them in his mind, massaging away my tension, kneading away my troubles, i laid in his lap while John Mayer's' Gravity' played in the background, i didn't believe it when he said the song made him cry but when i felt it for myself, i just kissed away his tears.

Our romantic moments are what make me stay. And there are so many things that he says or does that make me believe in something for us, but at the same time i fear being rejected a second time around from him. It took a lot of 'something' ( i say something because it was never supposed to send, it was meant to be a different email but came out as a confession) in me to send him that email that was an unfinished thought on telling him why and how much i love him.

This time around i am not biting my tongue trying to hold it in. Its not on the edge as much anymore. And as much as i love our romantic moments, the idea of the elusive 'more' has not been trying to get out of me as being more than an idea. I think i have long since accepted the fact that 'more' doesn't apply to us.

And I'm okay... i think.

Last night, while he slept in my bed, surrounding me with his heat, keeping me close even when he turned away (boy is he a turner in his sleep)... he would always draw me back into his arms when he turned back to face me.. i smiled at the possessiveness he displayed at wanting me near him even in his sleep (this dude literally hauled me up from when i was on my stomach bringing my back to his front and wrapped his arm around me.. in my head i was like dude seriously.. but i smiled)

But i couldn't help but to wonder what are we exactly? what am i to him?  if he talks about me to his friends, what does he call me? am i just Kameeka, am i just some girl he messes with, am i the side chick, am i his girl?

these questions weigh on my mind, my tongue, my heart... but i don't have it in me to voice it out loud. i don't want to shatter the illusion that we've built for ourselves in the dark. i don't want to break the bond that we've formed these past 3 years..

but the spell has to be broken at some point.. the thing is when reality settles in where will we, or rather i, be left standing? and when will be my breaking point at keeping everything to myself?

Talks About Him

So i was with the bestie's the other day and kizz n I ended up talking about him. and why they havent met yet.

its been 3 years...

Of course I talk about him to them cause at times i dont know what to do or even why i still stick around but the answer is pretty simple, that all these ups & downs, feelings of letting go but wanting to stick around, is because i love him despite all the downsides.

She pretty much has no feelings what so ever towards him but is willing to tolerate his existence because like i said for some odd reason i love him. He already has so many black marks in her books but she doesnt understand and does understand. And for that im grateful. as much as i wouldnt let a guy get in between us, i want us to all be cool with each other despite how things have started.

lord knows i would never choose a guy over my friends or family, that just isnt me. and i would never stick with someone to spite them either. i want to be with him because he make me happy and if they cant see that then thats fine.

i dont aim to please anyone and everyone.

yea hes a sweet guy but we could be so much further than we are if he would just open his eyes. but i wont push him. he has to see it on his. if ive learned something in life about men it is that. they do not like to be pushed in a direction nor being told where to go or what to do do, they must find the realization on their own. a few subtle, helpful hints along the way is useful, but nothing direct and forceful when it comes to big decisions.

so i will sit back and bide my time just a little bit longer before i really let go.

a girl can only wait but for so long and i will not end up being stuck in a loop going nowhere with him.

i cant keep doing that to myself.

where is the ltm?

he forget...

its pretty simple. forgetting. the act of losing a memory of an action. but seriously of all things to forget, he forgets that i told him i loved him. i dont know whether to cry or just say fuck it and forget myself. im so mixed with my feelings right now, theres also a bit of relief in his forgetting.

another weight lifted but a heavier weight gained.

he asked me if i cared and i wanted to say of course i care, i love you. but i just had to bring up the email. yea its been over a year but it was a big event, i dont go pouring out my emotions to people so rawly especially for no reason.

man, i wish i could go and re read it but i deleted it on my end (yea theres a copy somewhere) . i hope he does but doesnt read it at the same time. you know...

sigh...

in the end i got a weekend full of him even if it was just for an hour or so... i missed him, i missed the conversations, the kisses, his touch... and of course i went the extra mile and had sex with the guy but its fine cause who knows when ill see his face again...

i did tell him though that i had deleted his number, had the intention of not speaking to him past his birthday, that i tried to forget about him,us... he just said he'll keep coming back, bringing back memories and making new ones.

this guy!

stopping cold turkey didnt work, avoiding him definitely didnt work, not thinking about him really wont work...

there should be a handbook on love.