kushandwisdom tumblr post....

kinda contradicting my post om slowly getting there, on slowly getting over him but this called to me for obvious reasons and it just made me not like the silence between us. 

i want to tell him everything but i know ill be wasting my breath in vain. i just want him to tell me how he really feels about me.

i know he doesnt love me and i know he likes me, but then his actions and the things he say contradicts everything.

i want him to figure this out all on his own and for me i just want the ache to go away... this shit is taking way too long tho

why are boys so slow in their affections?

winter spritz

With the winter months,  the cold weather becomes taxing on the hair.  The hair is dry and makes the hair dry and brittle since there's no moisture in thehair. Its the time for protective styles,  the ends needs to be tucked away more now than ever.

Do protective styles really work.. in keeping moisture yes in growing , maybe . But keep in mind everyone's hair grows at different lengths.

Finding the right style is key also. They need to be low manipulative and loose enough to allow oils to run down the hair shaft. Twists are easier than braids to deal with in my opinion. But that's just me.

Spritz for day and night

• Evoo
• Grapeseed
• Jamaican black castor oil (jbco)
• Aloe oil or aloe Vera gel
• Distilled water

sweet relief spray

So I've used apple cider vinegar in the most for my no poo washes and dandruff washes. Now I'm using it as a dry shampoo inbetween washes when I wear my twists or want to wear them longer.

I just spray this on my scalp and run it in while I redo my twists.  I've read in some posts that with the dry shampoos you're supposed to run your scalp with a wet cloth afterwards but I don't with this spray.

• 1-2oz ACV 
• 1-2 tbsp peppermint oil 
• 1 capfull lemon juice
• 1-2 tbsp evoo 
• Fill with water

The amount you use all depends on the size of the bottle you have. Do it fully relieve the itch.. .no, but then again it just to stretch the style. 

making these twists last

Once again im doing a 1in3 hair challenge (grown 1-1 1/2" of hair in 3 months ) and I've been rocking mini twists for the last 2 weeks and right now I'm debating on taking the twists out and redoing them for another 2 weeks or leaving it in for another week cause my 2year Mark is coming up and I want rock out with my fro out! And my old club at school is doing a soul train party, lol.

So right now I'm using my sweet relief anti-itch spray and going through the front back and side twists to get them looking all nice and new and less frizzy. kinda wish I had the organic root stimulator herbal cleanse but I don't so the home mixer in me went to work and that acv with peppermmint oil did its work. It a not a dandruff spray but it works in relieving that itch for a little longer til I feel like washing it again.

I'm covering with my winter spritz and my satin bonnet cap.

slowly getting there. ..

Its getting easier these days,  I find myself waking up and he's not the first thing on my mind. 

For that I am grateful! 

Before I would be consumed with thoughts of him and that was no bueno!

He'd be the first thing on my mind,  I would go on facebook just to look at his face and do the same thing at work and at night. 

Was I obssessed..  NO. 

I juust loved him that much that is being apart,  us not talking,  us not seeing each other for months on end bothered me. I was stressed and angry a lot and just being with him for a few hours or looking at a pic of him for a few minutes,  helped relieve that. 

I was using him as a crutch and that was not good. 

Me needing him like that when he didn't feel the same or need me in that was not good. Me realizing how much I was puuting into him without getting nothing in return made me back off and try to shut off my emotions. 

For a while it was OK,  I backed off on texting him cause short one worded convos were not cool. Like I said we'd go weeks to months not talking. We’re both working and busy,  so that wasn't too much of a stretch. 

But I did cave a few times and he surprised me in contacting me. 

And now... I'm off facebook,  I deleted his pictures from my phone,  I haven't deleted him or old text messages yet from my phone or laptop. 

But I'll get there.. .eventually. 

heart chakra

So I had to look it up. You couldn't just tell me that my heart chakra was out of whack,  not explain it and think I'd be fine with the reading alone.  heart chakra meaning, stones, and healing

Heartache, the universal bastard that it is, is something that we've all experienced at one point or another. Whether we'd like to admit it not. I've learned that holding it in only makes it worse but I can't help it. I don't talk about my feelings like that and even when I do it doesn't cure it right away, I still feel the pain though lessened at the point in time. I cry I sulk I deny I accept I ignore and still it feels like the first day. No wonder she offered to heal my chakra.

The first time my heart broke was 7 years ago.. .first loves come and go. But this time was different, 2+ years ago (a number and time she kept bringing up)  falling in love with  him was a shocker and I analyzed, overanalyzed,  denied, & accepted before I let myself believe in it. and yet here I am with a screwed up heart.  Seconds loves are just as bad as the first. The real reason why its so screwed up is in doubting myself and whether or not in meant to build those type of relationships with others. Sucks but can't help how I feel.

I do want to change it though and I think I just might buy one of the stones or bracelets to carry with me. And the funny thing I've been wearing a lot of green latetly. I guess my chakra has been trying to heal itself subconsciously for a while now but this might also work into it chakra healing for beginners

Girls Night: Games, Drinks, Psychic Reading. ..

To begin with i had an awesome night with my girl Krystal and an old high school friendShavone. I was suprised to see her there really. I was just looking for someone to play scrabble with since Krystal didn't want to buy lo and behold its a tiny Edison reunion lol. 

Never did a psychic reading before but it was surprisingly accurate. Even if she just read my palm. she guessed my career choice in counseling, she saw my heartache that developed in the past 2 years  (said shesaw it in my heart chakra) apparently what I've been holding onto from them and now is messing with my chakra and it was to the point where she offered to clean it.. .for a price of course. Then she saw me married in two years with three kids in the future.  Married. .. me. .. two years? Ha! I amof little faith in that department. She also saw creativity and success, but she added that as an after thought. 

the event was like a meet and greet with games, drinks, food,  and lots of people in costume. There were board games, jenga,  taboo. ..and card games such as uno and spades (still haven't learned how to play that! )then they had twister (sadly my group lost). We left before musical chairs and the speed dating started. But hey it was getting late. 

However we three spent the next hour and a half jammin to old school hip hop & RnB and reggae at Fashion40. When I say we were going in on all the songs we were just in our own world singing along rifts and all while we danced. There were two guys that kinda put a damper on our fun for a bit and this one lady who just belonged on a pole with the muchness (Yea I made it up deal with it! ) she was doing on this guy she was with it was just eww and the faces he made like WTF were priceless

All in all awesome night! 

And Still I Rise - Maya Angelou

a beautiful and strong poem by Ms. Angelou.... its a lesson to all women who struggle in life hard trials that no matter what happens you can make it through and that there is a strength buried deep within that is passed onto from others that make you rise up past it all....

love it and love her work!

Virgo Quote

A Virgo does not give love freely. You must be intelligent, ambitious and kind.

and that is the truth about me if you must know. i dont give out love easily. i am wary of others until i know they are genuine in their affections. but then again i fall in love fast at times. there are certain qualities that call out to me such as being sure of who you are and what you want, having an intended goal in mind of being what you want in life or least where you want to be in life. also i need someone that i feel comfortable around, someone i can joke around with but still have serious conversations, someone who i can get lost in listening to while they speak with passion of their passions. someone who is not grounded in one genre but has an eclectic taste such as myself in music and art. i dont need a boy but  a growing man: dont sag, dont put down others, dont cling (god i hate clingy people, if i dont do it neither should you!), and respect the need for personal space at times. someone who respects the quiet is alright with me. im not a party person, im not much of a drinker, i dont smoke (cigs are a no-no... weed is fine for you, lol), im not big on heels and make-up, i dont do dresses and skirts... often. so long as you dont try to change me or i you.. we are just fine

see how i go into rants... i done forgot what i was suppose to explain.

oh well, that the gist of what i look for and more into me i guess...

oh and yes, still unhapp-...happily... (shrug) single,

whatever,

it'll happen when it happens!

Poem: Truth in the Making

in the hopes of making myself forget
in the hopes of making myself seem capable of moving on
i cast aside all that i think i knew
  all that i once believed i felt
  all that i had hoped, or at least thought i hoped, for
  all that i had once wanted with you
i cast aside and bury deep within myself
in the place where i put all unwanted thoughts and feelings
  the place whre i put all feelings that wont be returned
  the place where i bury my heart
i place a fresh coating on the mask i hide behind and smile
  i smile the pain away
  i smile into believing that all is okay
  i smile until the smile is once again real
and you don't affect my heart as much anymore

Manga Freak

Yea i am and right now my friend is feeding into my hobby. im a guys girl when it comes to certain manga and yea i will get all excited about when we go into specifics like the last episode of BLEACH all i can say is omg Byakyua is the shit for finally giving in to Ichigo and placing on him the life of soul society and holy shit Ichigo is pissed because Byakyua doesnt really like Ichigo though he respects him, but for him to go ahead and place this responsibility on Ichigo is saying alot.

then theres NARUTO, the third love of my anime life after INUYASHA and LUFFY from one piece. scratch that they're all after GOKU!!!! hahaha. Naruto has been through so much and right now he's fighting the guys who destroyed his family. Obito's pansy ass has no reason why Kakashi killed Rin and before even asking why the other side wanted her in the great war or even if it was Rin's request that Kakashi kill her before she gets captured, seeing as how they were outnumbered, he gets blinded by his love for her and revenge and takes it out on the world.... drama queen

One Piece, is a load of laughs, and so many other emotions. Like when they're fist boat came back for them when they were fighting to take Robin back from the world government, which by the way was effin awesome how they all stood on top of the building across from her declaring that they were nakama and nakama doesnt leave anyone behind (tear), and Brook with Binks Sake (still whistling the tune) and Movie 10: Stronghold.... just ugh. i love those guys they will do anything for their friends and for what they know in their hearts is right. like when the tenryubuti or however you spell it, attacked hachi... just oh shit luffy was mad. and when he lost ace i cried. damn losing his brother like that......

ok.... im okay

.

but you see. i know my shit!!!

crap i forgot about Natsuo in Fairy Tale and Oga in Beelzebub and Teito from 07 Ghost and so many others...

oh well read em and find out.

lol

Hope- Who Am I To Say

Damn this had me crying for a bit last night.  I just ... I don't know. I don't want to lose him but what's gone is gone and there's no point in trying for anything with him at all.

I guess I loved him mire than I realized and I thought something was there but it wasn't now I just have to let it go.

One day it will happen but now I'll have to deal with the ache in my hear for just a  little while longer

Just Maybe...

Seeing this, made me realize that maybe, just maybe theres hope for those unspoken words and that maybe, just maybe it wont come to pass of us living life separately but together one day.

Protective Style's & Exercise

Hey, so that's me and my two-week protective styles. From Oct 1 - Jan 1 i'm doing a 1in3 hair challenge from Hair & Health. We're into the 3rd week of the challenge and i must say its going pretty well for me. I keep my hair in protective styles for 2-4 weeks at a time, drink plenty of water, eat my fruits and veggies, take my vitamins, and exercise daily.

Week 1-2

Medium Sized twists that i pinned back in rows

Week 3-4

MiniTwist (my go-to style)

Exercise

Yoga! 10 minutes every morning (AM Yoga )

lost in thought.

Hi,  I told you all that I'm not big on the whole blogging thing in more on Tumblr or Twitter than anything else.  Hell I even deactivated my facebook account.  It was for multiple reasons, but mainly because I was trying to get over someone but the dude ended texting me the next day so fail on that part.

Lately its just like I want to start a relationship,  a commitment,  just something that would go from long term to forever. .. with him. And it's not going to happen.After much deliberation, denial, and ignoring, I finally came to terms with my feelings by a for him and I realized that I loved him.  I also so realized that it was hopeless as well cause he didn't want the same things I did.

So I kept silent and buried my feelings til one day I unintentionally sent him an email admitting the depth of my feelings.  big whoops on my part but I was glad I sent it even after he responded.  It was a weight lifted off my shoulders and my heart but the depth of his answer bothered me more than I thought.  I thought I was fine but after a few months I saw that it scarred me more than I thought.

I feel like my feelings aren't good enough,  that I'm not good enough.  And these feelings of inadequacy hurt more than any heart break ever could.  I know that I'm being a bit irrational and over dramatic but you'd feel the same way of both guys you fell in love with denied you and moved into someone else. I’m okay in burying myself in work,  tiring myself out to forget but it's the times when I'm awake and alone that suck the most. Because my thoughts always turn to him and what we don't have anymore.

I'm not looking for anyone cause I still want him. I'm not searching for Mr Right because I feel that he is it. But I'm not waiting for him either. We grew apart to grow on our own and to find ourselves. And also to find the ones we are meant to be with. The more I tell myself that the more real it will seem. So I'll accept what was inevitable from the beginning and work on being me to the fullest. Hopefully one day I'll meet someone who's willing to give their hearty back to me as I give my own to them.