Poem: I Will not Be Held Down

So,

You want me despite my fears
my aches
my inner turmoils

You want me despite my inabilites
my ineptitude
my naivety

you want to have a hold on my smile
my laughter
my free spirit

you want to quiet my mind,
still my wishful thinking
delay my hopes for the better

for the future..

i say no

no,
to the hold that you have on my mind
its  is free
it is opinionated
its judges and hold bias

my fears will become conquered
my naivety will gain experience and truth
my own turmoils will be outgrown

with a helping hand or by my own
i will not be held down
i will play by the rules
but i will test their weight

KCB.

Breaking Bad... Habits that is!

So found an article in the Oct 2013 issue of Allure Magazine, "Breaking Bad" by Alexandra Owens on you know breaking bad habits not the show... (

She listed ways in which one would go about breaking bad habits:

1. Take Notes: for a habit that you'd like to change, keep a record of everything about it so you'll know the triggers, how often it occurs making it easier to recognize the signs and develop the habit of saying "NO"
2. Get Strong: in developing new habits or breaking old ones you're going to need the mental and physical strength to do so: exercise, meditate.. build that will-power
3. Plan Ahead: If you know that you're will-power tends to be weak at times plan things that are similar to the habit you're trying to break but less in its intensity for example if you want Mexican food, try Japanese instead of if there a shopping mall next to the gym, leave your credit card at home, get mints or gum instead of chocolate
4. Distract Yourself: remove visual triggers related to the habit and surround yourself with different eye candy, create a visual roadblock in your brain so to speak. 
5. Link Up: write out your schedule for the day and when a spot is free, put in a practice of sorts towards developing your new habit so that it is conventional and stress free
6. Make a trade: smart substitution is an effective way to break a habit - choose something similar that gives a similar response of satisfying said craving
7. Accentuate the Positive: write a list of all the positive aspects of what it means to break your bad habit and forming a newer better one. 
8. Be Specific: create a detailed strategy of how you will learn, form, and upkeep the new habit. 
9. Consider the Big Picture: Think if the end result and what it means for you.. more money to spend on a product that you need instead of want, a better diet = healthier you, meditation/yoga = clearer stress free mind and body

For me, I'm trying to break my poor eating habits and regulate my digestion system. Like i have really bad eating habits i'll eat once maybe twice out of the day and then have a late night snack.Or nothing at all depending on how i feel. I rarely have really heavy meals because i wait so long to eat that i cant eat the whole thing in one go. But this helps me in budgeting my spending as well seeing as how ill be spending $20-$30 in two days on food alone.. mind you i buy food everyday. So I'll start a food journal, add a spending limit to it as well, and come October ill start my new yoga routine with Yoga to the People...this is my end of year goal.. hopefully it takes.

The let down..

So im such a debby downer sometimes that i envision ways of which situations can go wrong or the ways in which a situation can spiral out of control so that i will not be so ill prepared when the let down ensues. You call it pessimism i call it not being taken by surprise of sooner or later inevitable circumstances.. yea it wills til hurt but you already imagined it happening so it wont hurt a much...

So yea i pictured this in my mind, and me being me fashioned it after 19th century lit:

I had reason to believe that you harboured something towards my person. I, however, never figured it to be something like this so great in its magnitude. I must say quite frankly that you must excuse my misleading ways, please pardon any advances you believe that i have made towards you. But i cannot, will not, nor will i ever indulge in mirroring the feelings that you have acknowledged in yourself. I give great displeasure in any negativity that you may feel. But this would never have worked. I am a broken man. One that cannot be fixed any time soon. My own feelings are numb and i have like this numbness thus far. I do not intend upon hindering your smile nor your beautiful spirit. SO please do not become because i am a fool whom hath chosen to wallow in his own self pity than force himself to be happy. Look for the one who is looking for you and your happiness will forever me unmarred and my existence will no longer remain of any importance. You will forget about me and this childlike infatuation....

I think i phrased it quite nicely..To be told something like this would remedy any anger she/he has towards the other and warrant deeper inspection of ones own feelings. And it speaks something about my own issues as well.. being numb to my own feelings or the feelings of others..

the idea of being broken..

Poem: Ignore the Pessimism

can you for one second
put aside your thoughts
of what is,
what could be,
what should be,
and what would have?

and just listen...

listen to your heart,
your feelings,
your intuition,...

give into that gut wrenching
butterfly feeling
that maybe,
just maybe,
this situation, idea
this notion,
this belief,
that everything will be

alright.

KCB.

Let Your Hair Down Expo '13

-________________________-

PhotoCredit: @LoveBrownSugar Line was atrociously long, by the time i got there it was around the corner and more than halfway down the block smh

Waited in line, that wrapped around the block for 2.5 hours with my mom.. not cool at all.. the place was crowded, my feet hurt, got a glimpse of Kim Coles and Taren Guy while they were leaving, saw Sunshine of Sunshines Natural & Loving it, Jenell of Kinky, Curly, Coily, Me of course, Toia of TobNatural, and Niyya of LocsRevolution.. and a few ladies from tribe called Curls...

Photo Credit: @ToBNatural  (Niyya & I in the top left)

Other than that i was not a happy person, my mom and i walked around the floor for a good 10-15 min, before we went upstairs and relaxed for the last hour charging her phone. Nothing really interested us other than this lady giving out an awesome massage. I understand that last year, was overcrowded due to the small space but i felt that that went so much better than the hot mess this year. The goodie bags werent really worth it: Curls moisturizing spray (already had and not that much of a fan) and a Designs Essentials pillow pack... no samples given out other than Nene's Secret and i had to wonder if anything was even in the packet that they were giving out...

honestly it could've went a whole lot better.. i'm just saying.
i had an alright time, it wasnt downright atrocious.. had some time with my mommy =)

Vacation..

So after my birthday i decided to take the following week, or last week, off from work to relax and unwind.. and i did just that

slept late, didnt get out of bed til wednesday, only because i needed snacks...
wait lies, i had my first class on monday and stopped by hunter for a bit afterwards (wasnt bad at all and its all group work.. can you say easy class!)
went to visit my dad and grandma on thursday, help my bro with his homework...
stopped by moms job on friday and harassed kizz for a bit (had a spice girls moment while i was over there)
...saturday's Let Your Hair Down Expo needs an entire post on its own! yea so i went to that with mommy
sunday was wash day.. wash meaning hair and that was as eventful as my week got

.. oh yea, i started thinking about publishing a book of poems "The Secret Words of an Unkempt Heart"
an ebook in the making, trust me its not the first time i've thought it over.. but like i said its in the making, im working on it.

lagging in the ASOM D., dept. things havent been kicking for a while but its cool, they'll pick up eventually and i still have things that i need to add to the site.

its all hard work, but it was semi out of mind last week. i wasnt trying to do a damn thing other than sleep, work is draining as fuck, i wouldve been happy to see 'him' and i couldve friday but you know how these things go.. it just wasnt in the cards, but oh well,. we talked for a bit so it was ok.

:shrug:

24 on 6!

Yea so late with this post but any who.....

I turned 24 on the 6th, whooo Virgo living lol... it was  a good day and i had fun.. went to work, but had to elave early cause silly me forgot my debit card at home..

went to see riddick (damn vin diesel is foine!)


 (all i gotta say is "this sucks ass... and swallows!".. if you watched it then you know lol!)

headed over to brother Jimmy's afterwards! Good drinks, great food (their sweet potato fries..yasss!)

  

Poem: Emotional Distance II

I am at an emotional standstill

i feel and then i do not
i am cautious yet uncaring
i am aloof and naive
yet alert and aware
i want it but then i don't
i am there but then i'm not
im ready but still so ill prepared

'we' are, then, its 'you and i'
separate but together
sometimes 'we', sometimes 'him and her'

what are we?
but a nameless couple, inches apart
parallel with curves
away from each other
towards each other
intersecting at the right point
within us
and others

i want us to blend into one line
to shade imperfectly
not outshining
but complimenting

i want it but then i dont
i want you, sometimes us, sometimes we
but
then i dont
i dont know where we are
what we are
if i should continue to feel
this
when i want to feel so much more
but
then
i dont

i am compromised
in my emotions
and i dont know where to go

i, am at
an
emotional
standstill

KCB.

Poem: Emotional Distance

an emotional distance
is easier said than done
to keeps ones heart locked away
under shields of doubt
and uncertainty
under keys of inhibitions
and sacrfice
under thoughts of "what ifs"
or "they said they could never"

but could they?...

hope for the future
turns abysmal and dark
its starkness stretching across
the huge expanse
of wishful thinking
leaving you overwhelmed
and uncertain
insecure of your own truths,
your beliefs in him,
her,

us.

KCB.

Poem: His Kisses

his kisses...

oh, his kisses
bruise my lips
a fire trails
where he touches
turns me molten
at my core

oh, his kisses
whispers across my skin
calling it to life
vibrating to the
rhythm of his
tongue

oh, his kisses
sips at my lips
pulls the breath from my lungs
brings stars to my eyes
tears at its corners
in intensity
and tenderness

oh, his kisses

KCB.

ASOM Designs Update & CLP Flea Market FAIL!!!!

So ASOM D. got invited to vend at a fundraiser flea market in Bushwick on the 1st for a dominican literacy program. I was all for it and so was the team. It would be our second time vending but first time in a flea market.

T_________T

The fuck did we pay money for this shit for!

Honestly it was the wrong demographic for our line. It was a bunch of white people and asians, no offence to anyone out there but they didnt fit what we were looking for when we thought Brooklyn, and obviously they liked the uniqueness of our pieces form afar and not to buy.

Honestly the whole thing was a lesson learned... research the area beforehand to see of we'll actually sell anything first.

But, the good thing that came out of it was that i finally got some pieces together for the ASOM Designs: King Collection

though Mocha thinks the patterns i've done were a bit girly (hahahah.. your face woman!) My brothers and the one black guy that saw it at the market was okay with the patterns.. i just went with the krobo beads other than that custom orders are available as with everything else! duh! lol!

Also i have all the adinkras picked out for our earlace collection as well =)