Beyonce - Scared Of Lonely

Elliott Yamin - Can't Keep On Loving You w/ Lyrics

Yea.. No.. You're Too Controlling

So i  have a 'friend', who is very strong minded, highly opinionated, demanding, controlling... all in all a dominating alpha female.

yea we're cool and all but her controlling attitiutude and need to be on top and the center of attention make it hard to like her sometimes.

and it makes it hard to be friends with her too. this saturday was her graduation party and she had the nerve to tell one of our friends that she was pissing her off and that she should leave cause she was getting on her nerves.

honestly who says that when she didnt even do anything and we all came out to support her.

i dont know what her problem was but even i had to grit my teeth at her like we're all supposed friends and you're gonna go off and say something like that!

not cool, chick, not cool.

and its always something with her.

and then when we say something to her about her attitude she dont like and will shut us all out cause she aint getting her way...

yea, no

grow the fuck up

once she realizes the world does not revolve around her.. all will be fine

Much Needed Girl Time

went out with my boobie last night, known this chick since freshman orientation and we been stuck with each other ever since then. ever since graduation we try to make it a point to hang out a few times out of the month by going out to dinner at our fave spot (UNO's) or going ice skating or the movies.

every time we do we catch up on whats new in each other lives and spill on our latest crushes or how we're getting over some new heartbreak... well last night was no different; found out she got her nipples pierced and i got my nose pierced. i told her i finally got Josh out my system, shes working on getting anthony out of hers.

we spilled out heart outs, drank, ate good food, laughed and shopped a little... a nice reprieve from being in my own thoughts and getting out of my monotonous routine of just going from work to home, home to work...

a girls night to let go is always needed =)

What i really want...

its not him anymore.. i already realized that it wasnt going to be.
ive accepted it and now my heart does too

what i really miss now is just the nights we shared.
the embraces, the kisses, the caresses and the conversations.
the connection you know

it took a lot for me to do some of the things i did with him
and i opened up myself more with him than any other guy
so yea, i miss that more than him...

but for once i can say that ive expereinced it
so at least i know what im looking for
what type of connection i want in a companion.

slowly but surely

i deleted his number
i deleted his pictures from my phone
i archived out messages on fb
i removed temptation to talk to him myself... the only contact between us would be a random text from

i found his number in the archived messages
i took a glance and committed it to memory (at least ill recognize when it comes)
i saved his pictures to my laptop (you know that thing i hardly use since i got my tablet)
time and again ill go on fb to see his face just because (becoming less necessary now)

in my own way im moving forward little by little.... to say my feelings are gone or greatly lessened would be a huge understatement considering the way im feeling now but

so many contradictions

i said i was over but i have my days where i feel the lowest and he's the only who could help bring me out of it
i dont know when or where i put so much into him, so much power he had on my emotions, so much hold he had on my heart

and its pathetic and makes me feel so.. so... BLARGH!!!
i dont want him to have this power.. this hold over me when i have nothing on him.

slowly but surely though, it will fade away and only the ache of wanting someone to just be a permanent fixture will remain.

just another lonely soul...

(wrote this the other day but i guess i never posted it...)

Sitting here in dunkin, back to the customers, facing the window and my heart aches at being here, ALONE, as usual. it shouldn't surprise me anymore, it shouldn't hurt so much anymore, it shouldn't effect me as much as anymore... but it does.

and i'm confused by these feelings of negativity and loneliness. and then i'm plagued with thoughts of him making everything seem so much worse.

i don't even get why i'm pining after the guy when i know what i know, why i suffer in silence, or why the hell it matters anymore. and then the answer is so clear that i hate it...

LOVE...

i curse the day i figured out the capacity to love someone, to love another as more than family, as more than a friend. the day i learned to divest such strong emotions in people that never feel the same. it can be such a useless and trivial emotion driving us to do the wildest things in our imagination.

All this from a voice among the brokenhearted...

I wish i wasn't like that anymore, i wish i was among the masses that has had their feelings returned. instead i hide behind a cool indifference.

its easy

its what i know

Story of my life...

but nothing can ever be that easy...

the convos that never happen...

are you one of those people who thinks of how a conversation will play out before you make a call? who thinks of all the worst case scenarios of how things will yurn out if you or the other person say a certain thing? who gets themselves so worked up on fictional perspective that you lose yourselve in your imagination?

all to not make that phone call... to have thingss turn out to be a regular conversation... to completely avoid what you wanted to talk about in the first place...

yea im one of those people.. i get myself all worked up over nothing. i imagine things that will never happen. i get imagined phone calls of horrible things that did not occur...

for what?

to get rid of the pessimism in my mind? to prepare myself for the "worst things that could happen"...  to have the much needed arguments/discussions, only just with myself?

makes no sense... but everyones mind is different. it helps me in ways of dealing with a lot... usually dampens my mood but thats life

New Oils I Want To Try

                                           Reasons:                 

Marshmallow Root:             detangler, growth, shine & softness

Yarrow(?)                           growth, emollient (moisture), 

Ylang Ylang                        growth, increase thickness, work on split ends

Horestail                             growth, hair strength, less dandruff, luster

Burdock Root                     growth, improve scalp condition, luster

Nettle                                 growth

Rosemary                           

*Rosemary isnt new but i figured i throw it in there as a reminder to buy it later

** Not to sure about yarrow oil, still iffy on that one

*** This will be one strong ass growth serum when coupled with a good base oil

Most of these can be bought as teas and used as herbal rinses. Or taken as capsules. Or yo know, buy th leaves, and boil them out under the right directions.

Mountain Rose Herbs (dot com) is a good site to go to for organic butters, herbs, essential & carrier oils, among other things

But yea, those are them!